big *yawn* :zzz:

for there being so many people on right now, it sure is quiet in here today!!

so, this here thread is a *silly thread* :bounce:

jokes... got any??
limericks... share!
funny stories... this is the place:D

spill it people!! I'm bored and your here to entertain me... ;)

ummmmm . . . ok . . how bout we tried to come out to your camp last weekend on friday night, but were given too many different directions and ended up in Big Bear! Pretty but a long windy drive.

So we head back to the other side of the mountain and by the time we get headed in the correct direction were too tired and gave up!

How's that for pathetic?:D

Q: What do you get when you have a basement full of NY Giants fans?

A: A Whine Cellar!

ummmmm... yeah, Big Bear... not exactly the Hammers!! :laughing:

*WARNING* this poem is in bad taste....firsrt observed on a lavatory wall in a public washroom*WARNING

Scouter77 please do not read as this will offend your sensibilities.



Some come here to sit and think
Others come here to $hit and stink
I came here to scratch my &alls
And read the writing on the walls.



You wanted"silly":)

Originally posted by Co Pilot
ummmmm... yeah, Big Bear... not exactly the Hammers!! :laughing:

But I swear I think I saw one of those chain saw carvings of a bear holding a Hammer!:rolleyes: :p :D

Originally posted by welndmn
Q: What do you get when you have a basement full of NY Giants fans?

A: A Whine Cellar!



:laughing::laughing::laughing:

We have horses, two mares and a gelding.

On eof our mares is a very beautiful Palomino. When she was born the vet came over to give her, her newborn checkup. Debbie was in the house and the vet asked me her name, which we really hadn't decieded on yet so I said "Bitch". The vet still has her name on his charts as Bitch but does realize that her name really is Sara. She does however live up to her birth name quite well from time to time and when she is in heat, watch out. Not that she gets cranky over nothing, she wants to get laid, bigtime. She will come to the fence and turn away so you can have easy access yet when I smack(hard tap) her she wheels around and screams out her dissatisfaction. I try to tell her that I don't measure up, but she doesn't seem to care, she just wants a man, any man, any species and NOW!

The other day I was in the arena with her, I turned her loose and was just rubbing her down and giving her a horsey massage. She got that funny look in her eye and turned away with her ass end facing me, then SQUATED so I could gain access! Holy crap, I actually got embarrased and looked around to see who could have been watching. I left her in the arena and went inside, all the while thinking I was about to be raped by a horse.

Originally posted by Belly Dragger

.... The other day I was in the arena with her, I turned her loose and was just rubbing her down and giving her a horsey massage. She got that funny look in her eye and turned away with her ass end facing me, then SQUATED so I could gain access! Holy crap that was the best sex I ever had, I actually got off thinking that someone may have been around to see. The thought of someone who could have been watching gets me excited all over again. I left her in the arena and went inside, we were BOTH satisfied, all the while thinking about the next time I would rape this horse.


truth!! :flipoff2:

Originally posted by Belly Dragger
We have horses, two mares and a gelding.

On eof our mares is a very beautiful Palomino. When she was born the vet came over to give her, her newborn checkup. Debbie was in the house and the vet asked me her name, which we really hadn't decieded on yet so I said "Bitch". The vet still has her name on his charts as Bitch but does realize that her name really is Sara. She does however live up to her birth name quite well from time to time and when she is in heat, watch out. Not that she gets cranky over nothing, she wants to get laid, bigtime. She will come to the fence and turn away so you can have easy access yet when I smack(hard tap) her she wheels around and screams out her dissatisfaction. I try to tell her that I don't measure up, but she doesn't seem to care, she just wants a man, any man, any species and NOW!

The other day I was in the arena with her, I turned her loose and was just rubbing her down and giving her a horsey massage. She got that funny look in her eye and turned away with her ass end facing me, then SQUATED so I could gain access! Holy crap, I actually got embarrased and looked around to see who could have been watching. I left her in the arena and went inside, all the while thinking I was about to be raped by a horse.





I am a much better person for having read that... Thank you so much! you are my hero!:flipoff2:

Originally posted by Belly Dragger
I try to tell her that I don't measure up, but she doesn't seem to care, she just wants a man, any man, any species and NOW!

I left her in the arena and went inside, all the while thinking I was about to be raped by a horse.

So this dispells the myth I have lived on for so long that you are a big STUD!!!:eek: :D

Originally posted by Belly Dragger
while thinking I was about to be raped by a horse.

pussy! :flipoff2: Go on and get you some, you know you want to! :laughing:

OMG, I'm dying over here. :laughing: :laughing:

CP - EXCELLENT!
JSA - Glad to be of service. :flipoff2:
GRIDWNC - I'm so sorry to burst your bubble, but the truth has to come out sometimes. :p
MM - Hmm, homosexual activities or interspecies, I think it's a toss up. :p

Silly jokes??? My favorite when I was a kid...


Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to the party?....











Cuase he was a party pooper!!! :p :D

Originally posted by LasTrampas
pussy! :flipoff2: Go on and get you some, you know you want to! :laughing: I got some nudies of her I can send you. :flipoff2:

WHAT'S BETTER THAN JULES ASNER LAYING IN BED NAKED?


























JULES ASNER LAYING ON TOP OF KDIO IN BED NAKED! :p


*sorry, that's all i got*

Originally posted by Belly Dragger
I got some nudies of her I can send you. :flipoff2:

Uh oh!!:eek:

WAY over 35%!

Originally posted by KDIO
WHAT'S BETTER THAN JULES ASNER LAYING IN BED NAKED?

JULES ASNER LAYING ON TOP OF KDIO IN BED NAKED! :p


*sorry, that's all i got*

*weak* :shaking:

besides... we ALL know Jules belongs to Brian.. find yourself another girlfriend! :D

Originally posted by Belly Dragger
I got some nudies of her I can send you. :flipoff2:

I bet you do! :laughing: but no thanks :p :flipoff2:

joke for the day....

A little boy speaks to god one night when praying.... and asks him a few questions about girls.

First, he says "God? Why do you make girls so beautiful"

and the reply was "Son, why that is so that you will love them!"

Secondly, the little boy asks "God, why do they smell SO wonderful?"

...Gods answer... "Son, again..... that is so that you will love them."

The little boy scratches his head and asks one more question... "So, why do you make them so stupid?"

"That my son, is so that THEY will love YOU!"

:laughing: :flipoff2:

Originally posted by LasTrampas


joke for the day....

A little boy speaks to god one night when praying.... and asks him a few questions about girls.

First, he says "God? Why do you make girls so beautiful"

and the reply was "Son, why that is so that you will love them!"

Secondly, the little boy asks "God, why do they smell SO wonderful?"

...Gods answer... "Son, again..... that is so that you will love them."

The little boy scratches his head and asks one more question... "So, why do you make them so stupid?"

"That my son, is so that THEY will love YOU!"

:laughing: :flipoff2:

:bounce: GOOD ONE!!! :bounce2:

:D got any more??

A Texas cowboy was riding the range one day and came on a rattlesnake in his path.

He drew his six shooter and started to dispatch the snake when the snake told him that if he would spare him, he would grant him three wishes.

The cowboy said Ok but that he had never heard of a snake being a genie.

The cowboy said first I want to look like Brad Pitt, snake said granted and sure enough, poof he looked like Brad Pitt.

He said next I would like to filthy rich, snake said when you get home, you will find more money than you can ever spend.

Cowboy said last I would like to be hung like this horse here, snake said granted.

The cowboy rushed home and sure enough there was more money than he could comprehend.

He frantically took off his clothes and went to mirror.

He almost fainted as he said, "Good Lord, I forgot I was riding "Old Bess today".
:flipoff2:

I thought you'd like that one...:D

but no, i recalled that one from way back, and it's been posted here before. ;)

Happy afternoon Rose! :bounce2:

How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?











































































The taste!!! :barf::barf::barf::flipoff2::flipoff2::flipoff2:

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."

Originally posted by Jeepskickass
How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?



The taste!!! :barf::barf::barf::flipoff2::flipoff2::flipoff2:

Sicko! :flipoff2:

Originally posted by Jeepskickass
How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?



The taste!!! :barf::barf::barf::flipoff2::flipoff2::flipoff2:


Ewwwwwwww!!!:barf:

:D cute one Mikey!!


Hi Trampas!! :bounce:

Originally posted by Jeepskickass
How can you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste!!! :barf:
:laughing: Did you learn that the hard way?;) :flipoff2: Has Gary been sharing his toys with you lately?;) :flipoff2:

Originally posted by GENA

:laughing: Did you learn that the hard way?;) :flipoff2: Has Gary been sharing his toys with you lately?;) :flipoff2:



Gena..................... :p :p :p :flipoff2:

A guy walks into a bar to savory a drink after a hard day at work. While at the bar, he notices a sign that reads:

"$500 to anyone who can make my donkey laugh"

Intrigued, he asks the bartender "Where's the donkey? I can make him laugh". Bartender says "He's out back, knock yourself out".

The guy walks up to the donkey, and whispers something in his ear. The donkey falls to the ground, rolling in hysterical laughter.

The bartender is puzzled, but holds up his end of the deal and pays the guy the $500.

The next day, the guy comes back into the bar again, and there's a new sign above the bar that reads:

"$500 to anyone who can make my donkey cry"

Again, the guy takes up the bartender's offer, and heads out back to see the donkey. Again, he whispers something in his ear and sure enough, the donkey starts bawling like a baby.

The bartender is truely baffled, but hands over another $500 to the guy. He says to the guy "look, you got $500 from me yesterday and another $500 today. What did you do to make the donkey laugh? The guy said "I whipered in the donkey's ear that my dick was bigger than his".

Ok, what did you do to make the donkey cry...?

The guy responded.... "I zipped down my pants and showed him..."

Down the hill from our place there is this crazy donkey. There are cows and goats there too and I go out to pet them and feed them. So one day I am out there petting the donkey and a car drives by and the guy smiles, I think whatever. So the next car goes by and they are laughing. I look down and the stupid donkey was really happy to see me. The thing was on the ground! :emb: So, after we finished, I descreetly walked away. :flipoff2: Now I pay more attention when petting animals.!!


Sue

Originally posted by NI733HM Chick
Now I pay more attention when petting animals.!! Another interspecies sex story, damn we are whacked. :p :flipoff2:

Originally posted by Belly Dragger
Another interspecies sex story, damn we are whacked. :p :flipoff2:

No, the donkey was whacked . . .Sue was whacking . . . and you just jacked!



Sue is that sort of adjustment legal?

My 2 cents.

Three men, one German, one Japanese

and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed his forearm and the beep

stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip

under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.

When he finished he explained, "That was my

mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not

to be outdone he decided he had to do something

just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna

and went to the bathroom. He returned with a

piece of toilet paper hanging from his a$$.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared

at him. The Texan finally said-------

"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax.

Q. How does a Redneck know when his Mom is on her period?

A. Because his Brother's cock tastes different

A woman was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning she received a call from his office that she had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so she didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, she takes a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So she rushed upstairs, threw off her dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave herself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that she was presentable. She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.

She was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called her in. Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended she was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from there.

She was a little surprised when he said "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning haven't we?", but she didn't respond. The appointment over, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening her 18 year old daughter was leaving to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" Mom called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Originally posted by ARD
Q. How does a Redneck know when his Mom is on her period?

A. Because his Brother's cock tastes different
:laughing: Thanks Ard, thank you very much for sharing your interesting sense of humor!:barf: :laughing: :flipoff2: How about you serve us another after lunch special?:flipoff2:

Originally posted by GRIDWNC

Sue is that sort of adjustment legal?


Hee...only in certain states...or by very talented people!! I have special certification. ;)

Originally posted by GENA

:laughing: Thanks Ard, thank you very much for sharing your interesting sense of humor!:barf: :laughing: :flipoff2: How about you serve us another after lunch special?:flipoff2:

OK, just for you though:flipoff2:

There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.

Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose."

:flipoff2:

Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."

The boss says, "What's that?"

Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."

They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."

Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

:flipoff2:

Originally posted by ARD




Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."

The boss says, "What's that?"

Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

The boss says, "That's impossible. Show me."

They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit."

Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

:flipoff2:




:barf: :barf: :barf: :barf:

ARD... :shaking: wrong - sooooo wrong!!! :barf:

:flipoff2:

I THINK THIS HAS TURNED INTO A SICK JOKE THREAD. ;)

Bwahahahahhahahahhaa!:laughing: Thanks ARD!:laughing: :flipoff2:

Several weekends ago, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot. As I was loading my car up, I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later.

So, mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was wearing just a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed
to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car. :flipoff2:

Well if it is sick joke thread…

What is the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

You can’t gargle sand…

Gena!!! :eek: :evil:

:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing:

GENA. I would expect nothing less from you.:D

Originally posted by Moose
Well if it is sick joke thread…

What is the difference between sand and menstrual blood?

You can’t gargle sand…

You're fired!

Do not pass go, DO NOT collect $200. :flipoff2:

SILLY ... not SICK!! get it right people!!! :barf:
:flipoff2:

A female police officer pulled over a
drunk driver. She said to him, "You are under arrest.
Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits."

:D:D:D

Originally posted by GENA
Bwahahahahhahahahhaa!:laughing: Thanks ARD!:laughing: :flipoff2:

Several weekends ago, I was rushing around trying to do some Valentine's Day shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the weather right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot. As I was loading my car up, I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later.

So, mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was wearing just a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed
to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children some Valentine's Day presents (since she didn't manage to get them anything on Christmas).

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did."

"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.

The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.

So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car. :flipoff2:

ROTFLMAO

Reminds me of when a friend of mine took a group of blind children to visit Santa.

It was getting near to lunch and he and his wife were getting hungry. There was a play area where you could leave children. He went to the store and bought a ball with a bell in it. He took the children to the play area and gave them the ball.

After a while they got used to it and could play quite happily by listening for the bell ringing and then kicking the ball to each other.

So he and his wife went for lunch. After about 15 minutes a man dressed as an elf came running into the cafe. He went up to my firend and asked him if he was in charge of the group of blind children.

He said he was, but had left them safely playing in the area with a ball with a bell in it.

The elf knew nothing about the ball, but told him they had just kicked a reindeer to death.

Originally posted by Co Pilot
SILLY ... not SICK!! get it right people!!! :barf:
:flipoff2:

A female police officer pulled over a
drunk driver. She said to him, "You are under arrest.
Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits."

:D:D:D


Do you and MD play that at home?

Originally posted by Co Pilot
Gena!!! :eek: :evil:

:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing:
Yes, Rose?:D

Here's an old one, but it's pretty decent.:evil:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!" :flipoff2:

Originally posted by GENA


She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!" :flipoff2:


Bwaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha

A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."

"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.

"Well, what is it you have?"

The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."


This better?

Originally posted by GENA

Yes, Rose?:D

Here's an old one, but it's pretty decent.:evil:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!" :flipoff2:

Good one! :laughing:

Originally posted by ARD
Reminds me of when a friend of mine took a group of blind children to visit Santa...OMFG!:laughing: Pfpfpfpfpfpfppfttttttttttttttttttt!:laughing: Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!:laughing: Love it!:flipoff2:

Originally posted by Moose
A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."

"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.

"Well, what is it you have?"

The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."


This better?

Perfect! :laughing: I'll remember that one for later ;)

Originally posted by Moose

This better?

:laughing: :laughing: :D yes, thank you!!

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

:flipoff2:

Originally posted by Co Pilot
SILLY ... not SICK!! get it right people!!! :barf:
:flipoff2:

A female police officer pulled over a
drunk driver. She said to him, "You are under arrest.
Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Tits."

:D:D:D

I LIKED THAT ONE. :eek:

Originally posted by ARD
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

:flipoff2:


That is ssooooooooooooooooooooo wrong!!!!

Originally posted by ARD
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

His father says, "No...how old?"

He says, "I'm eleven!"

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

She says, "Come closer..."

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven."

He says, "How could you tell?"

She says, "I heard you tell your father."

:flipoff2:

NO! NO! NO! ... :shaking: :shaking: :shaking:

thats worse then the sand one...

and one more for my way out


A young guy at a bar notices two girls deep in conversation. He walks over and asks, “You girls want a drink?”

“You’re wasting your time,” says one of the ladies. “We’re lesbians.”

“What’s a lesbian?” he asks.

“We like to eat pussy,” she replies.

“Hey there!” the guy calls to the bartender. “Three drinks over here for us lesbians, please.”

Originally posted by ARD
A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?" ...
:eek: Holy shite, you are going to get me into trouble at work today!:laughing: :flipoff2: Here's something a little tamer but still about cawks!:flipoff2:

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something
to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" :flipoff2:

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, honey, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in our garden!!"

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of
this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack
and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to
disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave.

Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts." :flipoff2:

Originally posted by GENA

:eek: Holy shite, you are going to get me into trouble at work today!:laughing: :flipoff2: Here's something a little tamer but still about cawks!:flipoff2:

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.

The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something
to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!" :flipoff2:

LMAO - these people just don't appreciate good humour like we do:D

Originally posted by ARD
LMAO - these people just don't appreciate good humour like we do:D
:D Yeah, I know...nothing wrong with a little morbid humor every now and then.:flipoff2: :evil:

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her index finger blown off.

"How did this happen?", the doctor asked.

"Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?

"No, silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $10,000 for these", then I put it in my mouth and I thought, "I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened." So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, "this is going to make a loud noise", so I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger!"

I want to be fair...I can't leave out the Catholics!:flipoff2:

CATHOLIC PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" The priest inquired.

"They say, Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"Wow! That's really tacky!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought
for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Thomas. Hopefully my parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

At this moment, there was stunned silence. Shocked, one male
parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!" :flipoff2:

Lol! Good one, Gena!!


I bet when you were young, you were like this little girl:

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Ecuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shop keeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe
one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet
voice. "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he's shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them. The kid says, "Hey, Pop, learned in college there's an easy way to do everything."

They go downtown and get some dynamite, they're gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don't see Grandma coming to use the outhouse.

BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop!...she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her, "Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?"

She says, "Yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! I'm certainly glad I didn't let that one go in the kitchen!"

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop
up right now. She turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this
lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

A man walks into a pub and sees a duck sitting at the bar with a line of empty bottles.

As he sits down the duck says "sorry man, I don't feel lke talking, I've got no money, I've lost my house and my wife has left me"

The man is totally shocked. He says to the duck "You could make a fortune, a talking duck, hell we could get you on all the major TV shows, you could be intervied by Leno, Letterman etc"

The duck puts his head in his webbed feet and says
"no good to me man, I'm an electrician"

:flipoff2: - well its not sick

Originally posted by Co Pilot
ARD... :shaking: wrong - sooooo wrong!!! :barf:

:flipoff2:


I thought it was hilarious. :D :D :D

Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were sitting around talking, as they do.

Cinders said, " I am the most beautiful woman in the world, and that makes me feel great."

Tom Thumb says, "I am the smallest person in the world, and that makes ME feel great"

Quasimodo says, "I am the most miserable, tight-fisted, ugly SOB in the world, and I'm proud of it. But a thought has just occurred to me. How do we know this for sure?"

"I know." said Tom Thumb. "Let's go and see Merlin the Magician. He has a crystal ball and will be able to see if what we say is true."

So off they trot down the yellow brick road. Cinders goes in first. After a while she comes out. Put's her arms in the air, and sighs "it's true, I am the most beautiful!"

Tom goes in and soon comes out punching the air, "And I'm the smallest!"

Quasimodo goes in and there is suddenly a loud scream. He comes out and says, "Who the heck is Janet Reno??!!!"

Originally posted by SanDiegoCJ



I thought it was hilarious. :D :D :D

Me too:D

...just like htis one..

A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her ass.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem" and he proceeds to press his lips to her ass and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.

Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says "You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting."

Here's an old one:


Alabama Reading Test (you have to read this out loud)

MR DUKS
MR NOT
ESMR CM WANGS
ALB MR DUKS

it's not a silly thread w/ out a reply from the silly neck :D

A farmer has a horse for sale. He puts an ad in the local paper and gets a call from someone speaking with a lisp. The farmer is a bit cautious, but gives the directions to the place when asked, as the gentleman with the lisp would like to see the horse before purchasing it.

The next day, a car pulls up and out jumps a midget. The farmer walks up to him and says: Can I help you?

Yeth. We thpoke on the phone yetherday about the horth.

Oh, yeah. Well, she's over this way.

They walk quietly over to the corral where the horse is being kept.

Nith horth. Can I thee her teeth?

So the farmer lifts the midget up so he can take a look at his teeth.

Nith. Can I thee her eerth?

The farmer lifts the midget a bit higher so his can inspect the horse's ears.

Nith. Can I thee her hoofth?

The farmer, now slightly adgitated by this, lowers the midget and shows the horse's hooves to the potential buyer.

Exthellent. Can I thee her twat?

Now the farmer has had enough. He lifts up the midget, takes him behind the horse and jams his head right under the horses tail.

No! No! I want to thee her wun awound in thircleth!!!

Originally posted by Jeepskickass

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet
voice. "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."


:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing:
LMAO!!

what do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs?






























Sparky

Here's my submission:

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear that he didn't want to spend a lot of money.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Smith turned to his wife... "Show him your tooth, honey!"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Florida, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken" :D :D :D

:flipoff2:

So a mushroom walks into a bar...

Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here."

The mushroom says...

Why not? I'm a fungi!

Originally posted by NI733HM Chick
Down the hill from our place there is this crazy donkey. There are cows and goats there too and I go out to pet them and feed them. So one day I am out there petting the donkey and a car drives by and the guy smiles, I think whatever. So the next car goes by and they are laughing. I look down and the stupid donkey was really happy to see me. The thing was on the ground! :emb: So, after we finished, I descreetly walked away. :flipoff2: Now I pay more attention when petting animals.!!


Sue


Double Date with Belly Dragger??:D

...and speaking of bartenders...

...anybody up for...
























Boris the Big Bad Brown Bear?

Originally posted by Bobzooki
...and speaking of bartenders...

...anybody up for...

Boris the Big Bad Brown Bear?


Yeah, bring on boris the big bad brown bear, bob!

Definition of Exctasy??









Forking a pregnant woman, and the fetus gives you head!








Sorry, i had to get that out!! :D

Originally posted by ukjeeper
Definition of Exctasy??


Forking a pregnant woman, and the fetus gives you head!


Sorry, i had to get that out!! :D

You FAWKER! You just KILLED my sex life until may!

:flipoff2: :flipoff2: :flipoff2:

Originally posted by ukjeeper
Definition of Exctasy??

Forking a pregnant woman, and the fetus gives you head!

Sorry, i had to get that out!! :D

:barf: waaaaaaaaaay wrong!!!

Originally posted by ukjeeper
Definition of Exctasy??









Forking a pregnant woman, and the fetus gives you head!








Sorry, i had to get that out!! :D

Lets try and have some respect for the pregnant women of the BB...or I'll end up deleting the thread so I don't have to babysit it :mad: :roxy:

Originally posted by Roxywheels


Lets try and have some respect for the pregnant women of the BB...or I'll end up deleting the thread so I don't have to babysit it :mad: :roxy:

[3rdgradevoiceON]
Oooooohhhh!!!... Tim just got moded!!! :laughing:
[3rdgradevoiceOFF]



;) to :roxy:

Originally posted by Moose

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

Now that's funny!:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

Originally posted by ukjeeper

Double Date with Belly Dragger??

Well, something was dragging on the ground. they say you aren't supposed to feed the animals, but....





Now how did my story get turned into this? Oh, yeah, I'm talking with you guys :flipoff2:

Boris will have to wait. It takes too long for me to type it, and I've gotta run - see you guys on Monday!

Originally posted by ukjeeper
Double Date with Belly Dragger??:D Shhhhh! :flipoff2:

Too bad I'd have to do a lot of swimming to kick your ass now. I should have come visit you before you left. :p :flipoff2:

(all in good fun disclaimer) :flipoff2:

Rox How can you jump on the pregnant woman joke and not half of the other jokes in this thread?

Originally posted by Moose
Rox How can you jump on the pregnant woman joke and not half of the other jokes in this thread?

I agree. I have not had time to read/delete this but when I get time some of these will be going bye bye.

Right now I'm going thru 345,000 spam E-mails that are clogging up my Exchange server and ruining my day. Try and keep it clean please. Cause when I get back I'm NOT going to be in a good mood. :mad:

Originally posted by Moose
Rox How can you jump on the pregnant woman joke and not half of the other jokes in this thread?

Because I tried to let you all have your fun...and turn my head when I thought some things were too gross...but I don't like jokes like that. If someone sucking pus out of your a$$ offends you I'll be glad to get rid of that one too. There is just someone that crosses that line and to me that was the line. I could just axe the entire thread and then there would be no worries if it offensive to anyone else. :roxy:

your the mod do what you want.

I just thought that that was one of the 'tamer' disgusting jokes thats all.

OOPS, Sorry Mel :( If i hadn't gotten quoted, i would just hose it.

HOWEVER, i think its ON the line, not quite over, yet. There way worse stuff thats gone on here, and way worse to come i'm sure (though not by me, thats the worst one i know!).

See if this helps:

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You need to learn to relax, you're two tents."

Originally posted by R O
*WARNING* this poem is in bad taste....firsrt observed on a lavatory wall in a public washroom*WARNING

Scouter77 please do not read as this will offend your sensibilities.



Some come here to sit and think
Others come here to $hit and stink
I came here to scratch my &alls
And read the writing on the walls.



You wanted"silly":)

:flipoff2: :flipoff2: :flipoff2: :flipoff2: :flipoff2:

What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around and watching the Superbowl?












the 49ers.