The Harley Davidson Vaseline Man!
A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set.

At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley & they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...!!! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And no one says a word...!!!!

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on her table. They have even wilder sex. And no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit I'll do the dishes."

At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns. One Texan said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there."

His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there."

Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to Hell! There aren't any Catholics there!"

The Ship Captain's Red Shirt
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again the battle was on, and once more, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "if I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

1) funny
2) not
3) Eh.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Shouldn't this thread be called "The Official Jokes So Old They Should Be Dead Thread"?:flipoff2:

Originally posted by Sully
Shouldn't this thread be called "The Official Jokes So Old They Should Be Dead Thread"?:flipoff2:

Call it whatever you want. You got anything better, saddlebags?:D

Father's day joke, a little late:

An Irsihman, a Scotsman and Motornoggin are all sitting around talking about their daughters.

The Irishman said "I was cleaning me daughter's room the other day, and I found a bottle of whiskey. I was really shocked! I didn't even know she drank!"

The Scotsman said "Well, I was cleaning me daughter's room the other day, and I found a pack of cigarettes. I was really shocked! I didn't even know she smoked!"

Motornoggin said "That's nothing, I was cleaning me daughter's room the other day, and I found a box of condoms. I was really shocked! I didn't even know she had a penis!"

:D

Originally posted by Sully
Shouldn't this thread be called "The Official Jokes So Old They Should Be Dead Thread"?:flipoff2:


No kidding. Those jokes are even old to me. :eek: :eek: :eek: :flipoff2:

The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking
the Ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview
him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "You have observed the
white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The chief nodded that this was so.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute,
and then calmly replied, "When white men found the land, Indians were running it. We had: No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spends all day hunting and fishing, all night in tent with women." The chief leaned back and smiled, "White man
dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Management Parables

Parable Number 1:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Parable Number 2:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he
was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bulls** t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Parable Number 3:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops s** t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep s** t, keep your mouth shut!


Parable Number 4:

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked, "It was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So the
both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the Dead Monkey.


How many Dead Monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, Dead Monkeys can't move.



What did one Dead Monkey say to the other??

Nothing, Dead Monkey's can't talk idiot!!
































Wait, you said Dead MONDAY didn't you. Sorry.:p