13. As the grand piano crashes right next to you, a voice in
the wind whispers, "Dammit!"

12. Always starts breakfast chat with "Hey, hotcakes -- I got
your syrup right here!"

11. After 4 years at Julliard and 12 at the Royal Shakespeare
Company, the only acting gig you can land is as "dead crack
ho" on a UPN movie of the week.

10. Only after you're committed to the mental hospital for
schizophrenia does she stop using 12 different voices.

9. That's too big to be *bird* crap on your shoulder.

8. The foie gras at your last cocktail reception was just
*completely* unacceptable

7. Every time a bell rings, you involuntarily pass gas.

6. You just accidentally rear-ended a car containing Mike Tyson,
Latrell Sprewell, Sean Penn, and Mickey Rourke.

5. You're out of work, you bang your head every time you get
in the car, and the new Mrs. Rodman nags *AND* snores.

4. Devil on your left shoulder: "You can beat the train." Angel
on your right shoulder: "I concur. The locomotive is definitely
beatable."

3. Pushes you away from a falling piano, but into the path of
Rush Limbaugh chasing a Moon Pie truck.

2. Shows your dead grandmother in heaven how to watch you spank
the monkey.

1. On one shoulder, a little red devil says, "Go ahead, let
her do it. No one will ever know." And from the other shoulder,
you hear, "That's right, Tubby -- and besides, you're the
President!"