I assaulted a vegan, tree-hugging democrat with a double cheeseburger

[usmcdoc14]

I had to leave from work early as our heatpump at home is bringing the suck. So on my way out I picked up a diet Rockstar and 2 double cheeseburgers as today I count as my "bad food" day. And homeward bound I went.

It is beautiful driving today. Not to warm, not to cold and there is ZERO traffic on the roads seeing as it is noon thirty. 270 is nice and open with none of the idiot ballet that ensues in 4 hours. Amigo humming along as bias ply TSl's do on open highway and me with a mouthful of colon destroying death.

I finish one of the burgers and take a big swig of 400% of my daily B5 and the taurine tingles as it goes down. Bev says its going to make my coat shiny.270 goes from 4 lanes down to 2 and I notice a white car hauling ass a half mile or so behind me, so I go into the right hand lane.

The car goes in the right hand lane.

Next thing you know I have this little fucking hon/toy/geo/whatevathefuck trying to violate my Amigo like it was a cross-dresser at San Quinton. I literally CAN NOT SEE the dash of the car. All I can see is the top of a female driver and male passengers' head.
Now on a normal day they would have been testing the shear strength of SCD40 tubing while I was picking out a new set of tires in my head from the insurance check. But today I actualy have to get home before one so we dont have get some Texas BBQ rub for the ferrets due to the slow roasting they will get come summer if the A/C is not fixed.
I am doing 65+ by my speedometer, this is around 75-80 once you take into account the tires and shit. and I swear I can hear a little voice saying "AMIGO RAGE !!!!"

So I blinker, go to the left lane.

They go to the left lane :mad3:

I blinker go to the right lane

they go to the right (note: no blinker. that means they are from around here)

I catch a glimpse of the driver and passengers face and I know neither of them.

Fine fuckers. Lets play.

I go back to the left lane and of course they follow and are all up in my shit again. My right hand opens the McDonalds bag and pulls out my paper wrapped armament. I (with the training of a thousand bras) open the wrapper with one hand and quickly gaze at my tactical foodstuff. At this point I note that I am still a little hungry so I flip back the top bun and grasp the death patty.
noblinkercheckthatitsclearSWEEEEEARVE to the right lane and with a supple wrist FLICK the triglyceride bomb out the drivers window.
I watch its beautiful arc, the heat lamp baked cheese glisten in the afternoon sun, and its impact just above the wipers right of center on the windshield :evil:
And I maintain speed.

and i giggle :D

Now the next part is what made it alllll worth it.
As they pull up next to me I see that she is not glaring at me, no. she is glaring and YELLING at her male passenger who is LAUGHING HIS FUCKING ASS OFF :laughing: I mean like sliding down the seat, eyes watering, hysterical laughter :eek: .

And as they pass I see why:
On the back of the POS was a wide assortment of bumberstickers. The most prominent ones i could read were "Kerry" "somethinsomethin SUV" and "VEGAN"
:laughing:
It took every bit of me not to crash as I laughed my ass off. Mostly thinking of how much BS the guy in her car must have dealt with and how much better he feels now. :flipoff2:

[Ashley21]

That's great, thanks for the laugh.

[Cue-Ball]

:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

[preach]

Why you gotta be mean to mantis?:confused:

[rkcrawl]

She was attacked by dead cow! She'll have nightmares now for weeks! :laughing:

[TR]

that is great

[usmcdoc14]

Why you gotta be mean to mantis?:confused:

He's ok,not all vegans deserve to be accosted with meat :flipoff2:

[Budd]

Classic.:laughing:

[usmcdoc14]

She was attacked by dead cow! She'll have nightmares now for weeks! :laughing:

meat= yes

cow=....ummmmmm "maybe"

It is McDonalds :laughing:

[Sully]

:laughing:

[Roxywheels]

You should have got her pregnant and shot him in the leg :D :roxy:

[sceep]

:laughing::laughing:

[usmcdoc14]

You should have got her pregnant and shot him in the leg :D :roxy:

Thats unpossible. She does not eat meat= no foreplay=no preggo :(

[Bobzooki]

MEEGO RAGE!!! You Rock, Gil!

:grinpimp:

[UZI 9mm]

Oh gawd Doc, there are too many funnies in there to pick out as a quote reply :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

[mantis]

Why you gotta be mean to mantis?:confused:

Fuck dude, I don't care. I think it's hysterical :laughing: I freakin' hate when people push their agenda, ANY AGENDA, on others. Don't tell me my diet is bad, and I won't say shit to you. ;)

And as it is I own 3 4-wheel drive vehicles, the best of which gets 14 mph down hill with a tail wind. :D

[TexasBlake]

I wonder if that dumb cunt realizes there are cattle products in the tires her car is riding on.

[UZI 9mm]

meat= yes

cow=....ummmmmm "maybe"

It is McDonalds :laughing:




"...think more legs" :laughing:

[Benzz0]

well better than my spoiled beemer bitch and coffee mug incident

:laughing::laughing::laughing:

[nissanmudder94]

that's some funny shit man. I hate 270.

[Benzz0]

I wonder if that dumb cunt realizes there are cattle products in the tires her car is riding on.


YOU said TEH BIG "C"!!!!! :eek:

run fer your life! teh :roxy: is gonna get you!!!

[TexasBlake]

YOU said TEH BIG "C"!!!!! :eek:

run fer your life! teh :roxy: is gonna get you!!!

No she won't. We're bretheren now. We both cry about the Alamo together and praise Stephen F. Austin.

[Bobzooki]

YOU said TEH BIG "C"!!!!! :eek:
run fer your life! teh :roxy: is gonna get you!!!

Actually, talking about vegan bitches might be the one exception to the rule about the "see you next Tuesday" word. They're the kind of wimmin that come up with sayings like "Cunt is a term of endearment." (That's a quote, so I can use it there - and it's a quote of the one-time President, of the University of Colorado - a woman!!!)

[APRILRAZZ]

well better than my spoiled beemer bitch and coffee mug incident

:laughing::laughing::laughing:
You assaulted yourself with coffee???:flipoff2:

[Benzz0]

You assaulted yourself with coffee???:flipoff2:

no...I am a MERCEDES person...get it right :flipoff2:

the bitch got my favorite "Bastard Army" coffee mug thrown at her Dad's beemer...it exploded on the fender in a glorious shower of ceramic shards and her eyes got bigger than the TSL's on the amigo :D

brought a tear to my eye...I loved that mug :(

:laughing:

[GMCTruxrule]

Dude, that reminds me of some funny shit I saw back when I lived in Bremerton WA.
I am sitting at the stoplight with the wifey waiting for the light to turn green, and the car in front of me is an old, beat up piece of shit car that is running like an old John Deere jonny popper, it is belching out huge clouds of blue smoke and plastered all over the back of the car are "Save the Earth" Save the Whales" "Save the Trees" bumperstickers...
It really brought the funny that day:D

[APRILRAZZ]

no...I am a MERCEDES person...get it right :flipoff2:

the bitch got my favorite "Bastard Army" coffee mug thrown at her Dad's beemer...it exploded on the fender in a glorious shower of ceramic shards and her eyes got bigger than the TSL's on the amigo :D

brought a tear to my eye...I loved that mug :(

:laughing:
Sorry I hear prissy bitch and I think of you:D

[usmcdoc14]

I realy dont know if this bitch was trying to prove something or what. I shit you not If I would have brake checked her I would have been pulling plastic shrapnel out of my gas tank skid for weeks. Its only a friggen Amigo on 33's :laughing: it aint like the fucker is a Excursion or some shit.

Or maybe she just felt like being a typical Maryland driver in their omnipotent world and felt that I was going too slow for the near empty highway and she wanted to "teach me a lesson" or some shit.

well now every time she uses her windshield wipers for a month she will remember me :evil:

[Welby]

Oh gawd Doc, there are too many funnies in there to pick out as a quote reply :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:


This did it for me :laughing:

I (with the training of a thousand bras) open the wrapper with one hand and quickly gaze at my tactical foodstuff

Tactical foodstuff :laughing:

[gtxracer]

You're my fucking hero Doc :laughing:

[FourBanger]

I picked up a diet Rockstar and 2 double cheeseburgers.

This was the funniest part. :flipoff2:

[Rugger99]

Nice one Doc :D .....I have had the misfortune of driving up there and F'in' hated it.

[fullygruntled]

A splendid tale

[usmcdoc14]

This was the funniest part. :flipoff2:
Don't knock my weight loss program fucker, this was my "bad food" day :laughing:

I actualy like the flavor of Diet Rockstar better than I do "regular" Rockstar :laughing:

that and 300 fewer empty calories helps too :flipoff2:

I also like Sobe "Lean" green tea better than i like the regular. I find it amusing because 99% of diet drinks bring the suck.

[79broncn]

Ha! Best use of a McDonalds double-cheesburger ever. :cool2:

[hoohaa]

You've got skills. I usually miss when I toss whatever is handy out my window at whoever is tailing me.

[usmcdoc14]

You've got skills. I usually miss when I toss whatever is handy out my window at whoever is tailing me.

you have to lead them a little bit.

[hammerman94]

I wish some one would throw a cheeseburger at me..

[Bobzooki]

OK, Gil, so this is a cheeseburger patty.
Which side hit the windshield?

Did it leave just a grease smear, or a greasy cheese smear?

Inquiring minds want to know.

(Calculating how many Karnivore King points to award...)

[APRILRAZZ]

OK, Gil, so this is a cheeseburger patty.
Which side hit the windshield?

Did it leave just a grease smear, or a greasy cheese smear?

Inquiring minds want to know.

(Calculating how many Karnivore King points to award...)
Good question. Did it require use of the wipers or did it have to be manualy removed?

[JeepBeyotch]

:laughing: great story.

[usmcdoc14]

OK, Gil, so this is a cheeseburger patty.
Which side hit the windshield?

Did it leave just a grease smear, or a greasy cheese smear?

Inquiring minds want to know.

(Calculating how many Karnivore King points to award...)

just the patty. I was still hungry so I saved one.

(see original post) off center tward passenger side low. like 3 inches above the wipers

It just hit and stuck :laughing: cheese side out :(

It will most likely require manual removal (by the male in the car) or it would leave a glorious shimmering streak.:evil:

[texasawnutts]

Oh shit man thanks for the laugh, i needed that one.

[Rattlecan]

You've got skills. I usually miss when I toss whatever is handy out my window at whoever is tailing me.

x2 man - the shit I throw usually catches a cross wind and ends up in my back seat. Now I just wait for the next stop light and do a stationary, direct, face to face, coffee toss assault.

[MudzerK5]

The funny thing is, he gave up one patty and prolly still consumed the second! :flipoff2:

EDIT as confirmed above.

[Bobzooki]

(see original post) off center tward passenger side low. like 3 inches above the wipers

It just hit and stuck :laughing: cheese side out :(


OK, so you lose 45 points for "cheese side out", but you gain 37 points for "hit and stuck", requiring manual removal. Plus 10 for "outing" the obvious meat-eater in the passenger seat... For a total, of 43,307,268 Karnivore King™ points... Making you the new Karnivore King™ of all lands east of the Mississippi River, and west of the Atlantic Ocean!!!

Congrats, KING Gil! :beer: :beer: :beer:

[usmcdoc14]

OK, so you lose 45 points for "cheese side out", but you gain 37 points for "hit and stuck", requiring manual removal. Plus 10 for "outing" the obvious meat-eater in the passenger seat... For a total, of 43,307,268 Karnivore King™ points... Making you the new Karnivore King™ of all lands east of the Mississippi River, and west of the Atlantic Ocean!!!

Congrats, KING Gil! :beer: :beer: :beer:

Doc = royalty an' shit :grinpimp:

[Blame Canada]

I wonder if that dumb cunt realizes there are cattle products in the tires her car is riding on.

Not to sidetrack, but please tell me more about this little tid bit of information. :confused:

[TexasBlake]

Not to sidetrack, but please tell me more about this little tid bit of information. :confused:


Tires have stearic acid from beef cattle, which makes the rubber hold its shape
under continuous surface friction. Even the asphalt on our roadways has a
binding agent from beef fat. Beef by-products are used in all sorts of mechanical
items. Chemical manufacturers use numerous fatty acids from inedible beef fats
and proteins for all sorts of lubricants and fluids.

So whenever vegans tell you they don't use any animal products, give them a big fat finger.

[bigun]

ROFLMFAO!!! Doc that was a classic lol

[Crash440]

So whenever vegans tell you they don't use any animal products, give them a big fat finger.


I've shut a few up asking what their shoes were made from :flipoff2:

[Norm]

:laughing: :laughing:

[AthlonAJ]

That is some funny shiat! Was it cold enough that the grease from the patty setup on the windshield? If so it was a total smear when the wipers came on.

[Jordache]

that was some funny stuff! bonus points for it being a vegan! I have thrown stuff at a tailgaiter before but it was powdered donuts and when they hit the windshield they exploded in a nice white puff:D

[hoohaa]

you have to lead them a little bit.

I haven't developed that skill well enough yet to risk hamburger patties...

I much prefer the sawed-off shotgun method of tailgater ownage: the biggie sized drink cup full of warm urine out the window. Leave the top off and you are gauranteed to hit anything within two lanes behind your vehicle.

BIG bonus points if it is summertime and the tailgater has his or her windows down. HUGE bonus points if they're in a convertible with the top down. :laughing:

[usmcdoc14]

I would do that but it gets obvious with the swerving back and both as I untangle my junk from the brake peddle

[M. Ready]

So whenever vegans tell you they don't use any animal products, give them a big fat finger.

Her car itself was probably built with animal by products. The lube used when the steel parts are stamped is made from the leftover fat after an animal is butchered. At least thats what we use at the plant I work at (Ford, GM, Chysler, Toyota tier one supplier). Smells real nice after it sits for a couple days in the summer heat. :barf:

[Nordic1]

:laughing:

[Haole]

I wish some one would throw a cheeseburger at me..


It is Tuesday, you should pull a Wimpy.

[EMG7895]

I had a similar incident on the beltway in my old scout. Some bitch in a little honda was tailing me and harassing me, honking her horn and flippin the bird at me, probably because of my "undercarriage oiling system". At the time the rear tailgate window was gone and she was getting on my nerves. So I grabbed an empty beer bottle that had some gear oil in it and tossed it out the window. The bottle shattered on the front of the hood and sprayed gear oil everywhere.
ps- I do not drink and drive, I just happened to have made a ghetto roadside repair and grabbed a bottle on the side of the road to hold the oil.

[Haole]

I had a similar incident on the beltway in my old scout. Some bitch in a little honda was tailing me and harassing me, honking her horn and flippin the bird at me, probably because of my "undercarriage oiling system". At the time the rear tailgate window was gone and she was getting on my nerves. So I grabbed an empty beer bottle that had some gear oil in it and tossed it out the window. The bottle shattered on the front of the hood and sprayed gear oil everywhere.
ps- I do not drink and drive, I just happened to have made a ghetto roadside repair and grabbed a bottle on the side of the road to hold the oil.

Mine was with a generic asstard. I merely used the trailer ball sticking out of my receiver to get rid of him.


http://www.pirate4x4.com/forum/showthread.php?t=134619

[OakieOffroad85]

Props for your mad burger tossing skills. Thats a classic :D :D :D :smokin:

[Hef]

That's a fawking great one. :D

Today, I had some coked up freak riding my ass at 70MPH in a Durango. I saw her come within inches of crashing 3 times. She flipped me off one time when she tried to cut me off and cross 3 lanes.

I called her plate, location, and heading in to the Sheriff's Dept. Not as satisfying as the cheeseburger, but I had no burger to throw.

[usmcdoc14]

but I had no burger to throw.

I think you should keep a small stack on the dash for such occasions :evil:

[mepr]

i need to practice tossing burgers now. I get harassed all the time on I-5 through Seatle. People dont like old school Isuzus on bias TSLs that will only do 60:D
Oh and add manual steering into it and im all over the road too, probly think im drunk or something:smokin:

[Nordic1]

After reading this thread, I keep a baggy of paintballs to chuck one at a time out the "sunroof" or my rig :p

[XterraGuy]

I prefer to grab a handful of change from the cupholder and fling it at 'em...

[YJ4RoX]

thats a classic doc, i needed a good laugh.

Thats the closest thing to a BMH story i have ever seen:beer: I miss the BMH stories :(

[ludakris]

Or maybe she just felt like being a typical Maryland driver in their omnipotent world and felt that I was going too slow for the near empty highway and she wanted to "teach me a lesson" or some shit.



I just love driving the big ugly everyday... the beamer and mercedes pricks are almost as fun as the "kill your TV" people.. its funny how they actually think I value their car more than mine...