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Old 07-20-2005, 12:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Are all clothes designed by fags? Dieselmh goes shopping. (profanity inside)

What kind of fucking faggots are designing clothes these days? Seriously, when did it become "in style" for men to wear girly shit with frills and dangly tie straps, or shirts that are short, so your stomach shows? (especially when they are made in XL, XXL, etc )

Since I've been losing weight, almost 90 lbs now, I needed some new clothes badly. Since I'm down to a 38 waist from a 44, I don't have to shop at the fat stores anymore. Yeah, yeah, I know, "They're not fat stores, they're Big and Tall stores". Whatever. They just throw in the "Tall" part because no one wants to shop at the "Fatass Inc, clothing and tent manufacturer" outlet store. Somehow, throwing the word "tall" in the name makes it better. "I'm here because I'm tall." I'm sorry, but we measure height vertically, not horizontally, the fat section is over there.

Anyway, I get to shop at "normal" stores now. You know, all the ones that regular people shop at, the ones that I used to go into only to buy gift cards for people for Christmas, or to stare at the hot chicks shopping there. After all, who wants to go window-shopping for poon at a Fat Store? So, we decide to go to Kohl's to buy some summer clothes for our upcoming cruise, and pick up a few pairs of jeans, and some shirts. This is when my "What the fuck has happened to the World" radar kicked in. They've got "men's" shorts with these little straps that hang down from the legs, so that you can tie them, making them fit tightly to your legs. Now, I could understand this if these were some kind of rugged, jungle attire, and you didn't want a rabid three-toed sloth climbing up your leg and dining on your twig and berries, but these were fucking khaki shorts. What man in his right mind wants little tie ribbons hanging from his leg? (Besides DrunkTank, I mean.)

OK, I notice that the tie strap thingies can be removed, leaving no trace of their faggotry, except for two small slits in the inside of the fabric where they were inserted. Cool, I bought two pair, and the tie thingies never left the store. On to jeans, this'll be easy. Stupid me. When the fuck did it become the "in" thing to pay full price for, and wear, new jeans that look like they're worn out? Cathy tried to explain that that's what everyone wears, so I tried to go along. I tried on a pair of jeans that cost like $40, even though they already looked like half of my old jeans, with snags on the pockets, worn spots on the pocket where the wallet goes, etc. People actually pay full price for this shit, no wonder everyone things American's are idiots, we are. The second pair is where the shit hit the fan. Not literally, although if there had been a fan in the dressing room, and I had had a bag of shit, and could have executed the plan as to avoid getting shit on myself, I probably would have done so. These pants actually had small holes worn into the knees of the pants from the factory. What kind of a fucking faggot actually buys and wears pants with holes in the knees? Does this give you street cred with your cocksucking friends, or do they see through your faggoty scheme and tease you for liking girls? If not for that time I caught Welby riding MattS like a jockey, these jeans would've been the gayest fucking things I'd ever seen in my life. Finally, I found some jeans that were blue. Not pre-faded, not pre-torn, just blue. Game on, time for shirts and swimming shorts.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????? Menís button up shirts that are too short to tuck in, too small to button, and come with color coordinated undershirts? Apparently you just leave the shirt unbuttoned and untucked, so that the undershirt is openly visible. What's the fucking point of wearing a button up shirt if it's not buttoned or tucked in? This is fucking Texas, and it's summer, why in the hell would I want to wear two layers of clothing? If I want everyone to see my undershirt, I'll just wear that fucking shirt! Not to mention, what's up with all the pink, bright yellow, etc menís shirts? Is it cool for guys to wear girly colors now, or are all the men turning into fags? Jesus jumping Christ on a pogo stick, what is the World coming to? At least the fatass stores realize that not all guys what their clothes to scream "I'm here and I'm queer!" and stick to colors that don't cause temporary blindness. At this point, I'm seriously thinking about indulging in a 7 day binge of chocolate chip cookies, ice cream, and that canned syrup stuff that they use to make soft drinks, just to gain enough weight so that I can go back to my heterosexual Fat store and buy some normal clothes. I finally pick out a couple of plain colored shirts that look as though they're ready to kick the shit out of all the gay shirts around them. In fact, I noticed a pile of gay shirts underneath the rack of one of the shirts I bought, and thought "I don't care if this shirt fits or not, I am going to rescue it before it is overrun by it's cocksucking neighbors." It looked as though it had been doing a pretty good job of fending off the advancement of the fairy troops, but I didn't know how long it could hold it's position. I have no doubt that this shirt will serve me well. OK, mission "find the two straight shirts in a sea of faggotry" complete, time for swimming trunks.

Once again, only a pole smoker would design most of these things. First of all, what's up with the lack of crotch space? Now, I'm not hung like a horse by any means, but putting on some of these shorts was like trying to squeeze a watermelon and two grapefruits into one of those small sandwich bags. You know, not the Ziploc ones, the cheapass ones you had growing up. The ones where you put the sammich in it, then you have to fold the flap over, then fold that little pocket thing inside out, so that it covers your sandwich enough to keep out mice and shit, but leaves enough of an air gap to ensure that your sammich is plenty stale and dry by lunchtime. Yeah, those sandwich bags. So, I finally find a pair of swimming shorts that don't shove my nuts up into my chest, then I find out that they're board shorts. What's up with these dumbass things? They're like regular swimming shorts, but longer. GREAT, now I can carry around a few extra pounds of wet shorts when I get out of the pool AND have some stupid looking tan lines when I'm wearing regular shorts, it's a win-win situation. Nope, the "board" shorts go back. I move on to another section of swimming attire, and find another pair that don't crush my stones, and aren't retardedly long. Only one small downfall, there is literally no crotch movement allowed. What I mean by this is that if I put them on, my balls didn't get smashed, they (the shorts, not my balls) didn't hang below my knees (not that my balls hang that low either, but you get my drift), but I quite literally couldn't spread my legs apart. Who in the hell designed these things? Heaven forbid I actually want to walk in these God-forsaken things, much less swim. Who cares if they're called swimming trunks, you don't need leg movement to swim, do you? Not to mention those dumb fucking fake underwear things that are permanently attached to the inside. Are those things specifically designed to sneak up your ass crack like a tribe of renegade Injuns, or is that just a cool side effect of their ability to allow one of your nuts to wiggle it's way out, and be rubbed against the cheap plastic-like material of the shorts until it feels like it's been put through a meat grinder? While pondering this thought (out loud, apparently), I was answered from the other side of the particleboard dressing room door. Apparently, according to this girl (I guess it could have been a guy, considering the trend of feminism in men these days), those fake underwear things are supposed to keep your junk from showing. Now, once again, I didn't grow up with the nickname of "King Kong Long Dong", but somehow I just don't think that that 1/32" thick material is gonna keep little Diesel and his nutty friends from being visible if they decide they want to announce themselves to the World. I'm sorry if you have a tiny pecker, and the fake underwear actually do hide it from the World, but life's tough, and one day when you move out of your mom's basement, you're going to get some chick drunk at a party, or perhaps hire a whore or get molested by a biker chick, and she's going to break the bad news to you anyway. Life's tough, get a helmet.

I finally find a pair of swimming shorts that don't smash my nuts, allow enough leg movement to actually move, don't hang down to my calves, and don't have bright pink flowers on them. What the FUCK? They cost almost as much as the non-gay jeans I bought? Oh well, it's worth it just to get the hell out of there. Thinking that my ordeal is over, I head towards the checkout line, but not before passing some guy that was obviously in denial about something. This dude was fairly large (muscular), covered in tats, and wearing a pink sleeveless shirt. I'm not sure if the pink shirt was supposed to offset his manliness, or if his muscles were supposed to offset the gayness of his shirt, but something wasn't right with him. Oh, and let's not forget the 50 something year old lady wearing a BRIGHT pink and yellow summer dress that just barely hung below her saggy ass cheeks, with pigtails (on her head, not ass. Actually, she may have had pigtails on her ass, but I didn't look that closely) and HUGE, saggy boobs crammed into a tiny pink top, that somewhat resembled two partially deflated footballs jammed into an A-cup bra. Spend much time on the tanning bed, do we? What made this sight even worse is that this lady was accompanied by either her daughter or granddaughter, who couldn't have been more than 12 or 13 years old. When I say this, I mean that she was just a young girl, no hot body, no boobs, no ass to speak of, no shape, nothing, just a young, skinny girl. Apparently she got all of her dressing tips from the hag she was following, all the way from the makeup that looks like it was applied with a slingshot from 2 feet away, down to the "Cowgirls have it, Cowboys want it" T-shirt that only covered half of her abdomen, and was so tight that you could literally see her nipples through it, which only further drove home the fact that she was really young, and boobless. Oh, and let's not forget the coupe de gras, her shorts, which were so short that you could see her ass cheeks hanging out the bottom, or would've been able to see them, if she was old enough to actually have a developed ass, and the word "DANCE" written across the ass in HUGE white letters. NO, you're not trying to draw attention to yourself. My guess is that she would probably be pregnant by now, if she was actually old enough to have a period. Like mother, like daughter, I guess.

Fuck shopping, I'm done. Thank God I'm a man, and this $150 of clothing should at least last me a year or more, at which point I guess I'll have to battle the latest in homo trends and set out once again in the search for clothes that a regular man can actually wear without having to duct tape his nuts to his asshole. This whole "metro" thing has gotten WAAAAAY out of hand.

The End.

Cliff's notes: Shopping sucks, men are turning into women, shopping sucks, women and girls are apparently TRYING to be labeled sluts, people actually pay for clothes that look old, shopping sucks, and shopping sucks.

Unleash the grammar and spelling Nazis!
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:09 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Thank you thankyou very much I needed a good laugh and I completely agree with you that morons design clothes today.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Good job on the weight loss by the way. Now you get to enjoy the BS the rest of us have to put up with.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Not to sound like a closet homo or anything, but I always enjoy reading your threads.


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Old 07-20-2005, 12:15 PM   #5 (permalink)
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wtf is this Kohl's??

you sure you didnt just walk into the faggotty man store on accident?

good story
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It's never been more true...I'm glad I'm not the only one who went through this on a recent trip to Kohl's.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
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can I get a condensed version?
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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You might want to consider shopping at a store that carries clothes for "normal" guys, I guess. Like Sears, or something.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:18 PM   #9 (permalink)
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sceep kohls = department store outside the mall


Diesel good cheap non-wornout jeans come from walmart or the like.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Dude, walmart or target, nuff said.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Wow, you type to much
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:20 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Co Pilot
can I get a condensed version?


try the last line of his post... where it says "cliff's notes"

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Old 07-20-2005, 12:20 PM   #13 (permalink)
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are you sure you weren't shopping in Walmart? I mean... the way you describe how some of these people dress.....
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
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pffft. The fall lines coming out are MUCH better then the spring!

*hikes up his armani jeans* now where did I put my dolce & gabbana sunglasses...
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
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pffft. The fall lines coming out are MUCH better then the spring!

*hikes up his armani jeans* now where did I put my dolce & gabbana sunglasses...
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:23 PM   #16 (permalink)
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anybody else see teh big and tall ad at the bottom of the page
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:26 PM   #17 (permalink)
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anybody else see teh big and tall ad at the bottom of the page

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

awesome google ads!
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:27 PM   #18 (permalink)
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You da man Diesel!!! That was great. I totally agree. I walked into Pacific Sunwear to get some t-shirts (they used to have a few good ones) I look around and All I see are three colors. olive,white, and brown. There may have been a blue here and there but not much at all. WTF!!!???!?!??? I immedeatley turn around and walk out. The chick i was with wanted some clothes too (go figure) so we went to a few different stores....low and behold the same damned colors in every one of them. Do the stores now coordinate this gayness? granted its not pink and orange ect but still only give three options, again WTF??!?!??!?!?


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Old 07-20-2005, 12:28 PM   #19 (permalink)
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That is one helluva book you wrote there Dieselmh Thanks, I needed that laugh!
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:29 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Absolutely Hilarious and True, Bravo, Bravo.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:31 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sceep


try the last line of his post... where it says "cliff's notes"


Thanks fawker

I got a 1/3 of the way down and had to stop... never saw the ending.



I'll read the whole story tonight at home
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:32 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Blame it on the straight guys who really want to be fags. what are they called, oh yeah, metrosexuals.

Next thing you know, you'll be getting a manacure and your back hair removed.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:33 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I've been losing weight, almost 90 lbs now...


Loosin' the weight, but not your sense of humor.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:35 PM   #24 (permalink)
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90 lbs and a 38 inch waist??? good for ya.

I read this entire thing out loud to my coworkers and there are more tears on men than you can imagine... we are all laughing our asses off right about now.

I, also, had to go shopping this past weekend. I completely agree.
Walked into Tommy Hilfiger (outlet store mall here in Phx area) and asked where the men's clothes are. The doorfag (definitely no longer a man) directed me to a wall of rainbow colors. I responded to him, in a rather loud voice, "No, the looks more like what a fag would wear. I want MEN's clothing"
I was asked to leave after half the store turned their heads to stare at someone who would actually speak out against that shit.
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Old 07-20-2005, 12:38 PM   #25 (permalink)
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can I get a condensed version?
He's not fat anymore and needed new clothes, he had never been to a normal retail store (although I wouldn't call Kohl's high end designer ) and was immediately cultured shocked.
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