I assaulted a vegan, tree-hugging democrat with a double cheeseburger - Pirate4x4.Com : 4x4 and Off-Road Forum
 
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:17 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I assaulted a vegan, tree-hugging democrat with a double cheeseburger

I had to leave from work early as our heatpump at home is bringing the suck. So on my way out I picked up a diet Rockstar and 2 double cheeseburgers as today I count as my "bad food" day. And homeward bound I went.

It is beautiful driving today. Not to warm, not to cold and there is ZERO traffic on the roads seeing as it is noon thirty. 270 is nice and open with none of the idiot ballet that ensues in 4 hours. Amigo humming along as bias ply TSl's do on open highway and me with a mouthful of colon destroying death.

I finish one of the burgers and take a big swig of 400% of my daily B5 and the taurine tingles as it goes down. Bev says its going to make my coat shiny.270 goes from 4 lanes down to 2 and I notice a white car hauling ass a half mile or so behind me, so I go into the right hand lane.

The car goes in the right hand lane.

Next thing you know I have this little fucking hon/toy/geo/whatevathefuck trying to violate my Amigo like it was a cross-dresser at San Quinton. I literally CAN NOT SEE the dash of the car. All I can see is the top of a female driver and male passengers' head.
Now on a normal day they would have been testing the shear strength of SCD40 tubing while I was picking out a new set of tires in my head from the insurance check. But today I actualy have to get home before one so we dont have get some Texas BBQ rub for the ferrets due to the slow roasting they will get come summer if the A/C is not fixed.
I am doing 65+ by my speedometer, this is around 75-80 once you take into account the tires and shit. and I swear I can hear a little voice saying "AMIGO RAGE !!!!"

So I blinker, go to the left lane.

They go to the left lane

I blinker go to the right lane

they go to the right (note: no blinker. that means they are from around here)

I catch a glimpse of the driver and passengers face and I know neither of them.

Fine fuckers. Lets play.

I go back to the left lane and of course they follow and are all up in my shit again. My right hand opens the McDonalds bag and pulls out my paper wrapped armament. I (with the training of a thousand bras) open the wrapper with one hand and quickly gaze at my tactical foodstuff. At this point I note that I am still a little hungry so I flip back the top bun and grasp the death patty.
noblinkercheckthatitsclearSWEEEEEARVE to the right lane and with a supple wrist FLICK the triglyceride bomb out the drivers window.
I watch its beautiful arc, the heat lamp baked cheese glisten in the afternoon sun, and its impact just above the wipers right of center on the windshield
And I maintain speed.

and i giggle

Now the next part is what made it alllll worth it.
As they pull up next to me I see that she is not glaring at me, no. she is glaring and YELLING at her male passenger who is LAUGHING HIS FUCKING ASS OFF I mean like sliding down the seat, eyes watering, hysterical laughter .

And as they pass I see why:
On the back of the POS was a wide assortment of bumberstickers. The most prominent ones i could read were "Kerry" "somethinsomethin SUV" and "VEGAN"

It took every bit of me not to crash as I laughed my ass off. Mostly thinking of how much BS the guy in her car must have dealt with and how much better he feels now.
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:20 AM   #2 (permalink)
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That's great, thanks for the laugh.
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:21 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Why you gotta be mean to mantis?
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:24 AM   #5 (permalink)
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She was attacked by dead cow! She'll have nightmares now for weeks!
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
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that is great
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:24 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preach
Why you gotta be mean to mantis?
He's ok,not all vegans deserve to be accosted with meat
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Classic.
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:25 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rkcrawl
She was attacked by dead cow! She'll have nightmares now for weeks!
meat= yes

cow=....ummmmmm "maybe"

It is McDonalds
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:26 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
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You should have got her pregnant and shot him in the leg
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:27 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:28 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Roxywheels
You should have got her pregnant and shot him in the leg
Thats unpossible. She does not eat meat= no foreplay=no preggo
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:29 AM   #14 (permalink)
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MEEGO RAGE!!! You Rock, Gil!

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Old 04-04-2006, 10:29 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Oh gawd Doc, there are too many funnies in there to pick out as a quote reply

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Old 04-04-2006, 10:29 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Why you gotta be mean to mantis?
Fuck dude, I don't care. I think it's hysterical I freakin' hate when people push their agenda, ANY AGENDA, on others. Don't tell me my diet is bad, and I won't say shit to you.

And as it is I own 3 4-wheel drive vehicles, the best of which gets 14 mph down hill with a tail wind.
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:30 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I wonder if that dumb cunt realizes there are cattle products in the tires her car is riding on.
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:32 AM   #18 (permalink)
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meat= yes

cow=....ummmmmm "maybe"

It is McDonalds



"...think more legs"
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:34 AM   #19 (permalink)
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well better than my spoiled beemer bitch and coffee mug incident

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Old 04-04-2006, 10:34 AM   #20 (permalink)
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that's some funny shit man. I hate 270.
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:35 AM   #21 (permalink)
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I wonder if that dumb cunt realizes there are cattle products in the tires her car is riding on.

YOU said TEH BIG "C"!!!!!

run fer your life! teh is gonna get you!!!
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:37 AM   #22 (permalink)
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YOU said TEH BIG "C"!!!!!

run fer your life! teh is gonna get you!!!
No she won't. We're bretheren now. We both cry about the Alamo together and praise Stephen F. Austin.
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:37 AM   #23 (permalink)
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YOU said TEH BIG "C"!!!!!
run fer your life! teh is gonna get you!!!
Actually, talking about vegan bitches might be the one exception to the rule about the "see you next Tuesday" word. They're the kind of wimmin that come up with sayings like "Cunt is a term of endearment." (That's a quote, so I can use it there - and it's a quote of the one-time President, of the University of Colorado - a woman!!!)
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:38 AM   #24 (permalink)
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well better than my spoiled beemer bitch and coffee mug incident

You assaulted yourself with coffee???
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Old 04-04-2006, 10:41 AM   #25 (permalink)
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You assaulted yourself with coffee???
no...I am a MERCEDES person...get it right

the bitch got my favorite "Bastard Army" coffee mug thrown at her Dad's beemer...it exploded on the fender in a glorious shower of ceramic shards and her eyes got bigger than the TSL's on the amigo

brought a tear to my eye...I loved that mug


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