the electric fence and i

[45acp]

Some of you here already know this story, but i thought it would be a good idea to get it in type.

The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "Fuck!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.

[wanderer-RRORC]

thankyou..new classic..

[WertyzMom]

x eleventybillion!!




I lost it about here

Originally Posted by 45acp

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

and still laughin' my ass off!!

[bgaidan]

I just peed a little.

[45acp]

You may think for a brief moment that this is some kind of lame assed rip off of the stun gun story of interweb yore, but it is true. This happened a few years ago and those on the board that know me have heard the story and seen the fence.

[cybergeek23851]

Oh my god.... that was awesome..... that made my night.

[Juztyn00]

[Azzy2000]

Fawesome story... glad ya didnt die

[300sniper]

the upside cow on fire had me rolling

[MattyB4x4]

new sig material

"It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times."

[akpostal]

Thank you sir and bravo.

[sn0border88]

definate classic. Reminds me of the time I layed my hand on a bender that seemed to have a bad ground. Im still hanging low.

[Spooky]

Originally Posted by 45acp

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

It took me about 3 minute to stop laughing before I could get past the first few sentences of this paragraph.

[Nordic1]

[blueguy]

I just spit coffee through my nose onto the monitor

That's one outstanding rendition

[ky scrambled]

Originally Posted by 45acp

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)

One of the funniest stories I have ever read. Thank you for not dying so you could tell it!!

[Joe_W]

Originally Posted by WertyzMom

x eleventybillion!!




I lost it about here and still laughin' my ass off!!

That was the part that had me crying

[ironpig70]

[PONY_DRIVER]

Originally Posted by 45acp

has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

LMFAO right here.

[dr hook]

thank you sir. that made my fawking day.

[89breaker]

This where I lost it.

[4Mogger]

Back when I was a full time P.I. I was hired to watch the home of a guy who claimed his wife was having a visitor over while he was out of town on the weekends. I watched the entrance to the property for two weekends straight and no other vehicles came or went. But he persisted that someone had been there. So what else could I do but cut through a mile of cornfields on foot to literally lay at the edge of the cornfield nearest the house and watch all night with nightvision. Problem was that there was no moon and it was pitch black. Almost as soon as I left my vehicle to enter the cornfield, I took about 5 steps and fell into a water filled ditch up to my waist. So now I was wet. So out came the nightvision. But I also found out that electric fence wire is almost invisible to nightvision. I walked full speed into no less than 4 strands of very high amperage wires--and tried not to scream like a little girl every time.
Oh, yes she did get a visitor. As I was laying at the edge of the cornfield watching the back of the house, I heard something coming through the corn. This guy almost stepped on me as he went past 2 rows over. Turns out the guys step dad was screwing his wife-- convenient too since he lived adjacent to the place. My guess is that he was the one who set the wires because there is no way he could have navigated those fields without me hearing him yell out and curse.
Those were the days!

[Low-Buck J4K]

I laughed, I cried, I peed & I farted all at the same time while reading this!

[NoJoke]

You, sir, can write.
You alone could solve Hollywood's problem w/ lack of creative zeal.

Oh, laughed harder than I have in a loong time.

[WertyzMom]

Originally Posted by Azzy2000

Fawesome story... glad ya didnt die

^^^^^

That too!!