the electric fence and i - Pirate4x4.Com : 4x4 and Off-Road Forum
 
Pirate4x4.Com : 4x4 and Off-Road Forum  

Go Back   Pirate4x4.Com : 4x4 and Off-Road Forum > Miscellaneous > General Chit-Chat > General Chit Chat - Classics
Notices

Reply
 
Share Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-06-2007, 06:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
Heyull yea
 
45acp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Member # 13671
Location: north of Caddo parish
Posts: 3,460
the electric fence and i

Some of you here already know this story, but i thought it would be a good idea to get it in type.

The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "Fuck!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.
__________________
Not to get technical... but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution
45acp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 07:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Member # 41653
Location: Newark Ohio
Posts: 1,466
thankyou..new classic..
__________________
Gotta Love people who have "soon to have/be" in their signatures....Im soon to be thin,rich and nice..

yea right..

"They are little angels but they are trying to fuck the wings off each other!"
--Sturgell

Black eyes last but a week, the shame of sodomy lasts a lifetime.-TheRedHorseman
wanderer-RRORC is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 07:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Member # 22498
Location: North Coast Cali/Ore 'The Border Zone'
Posts: 863
Send a message via AIM to WertyzMom Send a message via Yahoo to WertyzMom
x eleventybillion!!




I lost it about here
Quote:
Originally Posted by 45acp
Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
and still laughin' my ass off!!
__________________
*POOF*
WertyzMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 07:20 PM   #4 (permalink)
Window Licker
 
bgaidan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Member # 34948
Location: VA Coast
Posts: 1,635
I just peed a little.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by ironpig70 View Post
I love Dicks and will continue to shop there.
bgaidan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 07:24 PM   #5 (permalink)
Heyull yea
 
45acp's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Member # 13671
Location: north of Caddo parish
Posts: 3,460
You may think for a brief moment that this is some kind of lame assed rip off of the stun gun story of interweb yore, but it is true. This happened a few years ago and those on the board that know me have heard the story and seen the fence.
__________________
Not to get technical... but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution
45acp is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 07:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
Rock God
 
cybergeek23851's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Member # 32841
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
Posts: 1,140
Send a message via AIM to cybergeek23851
Oh my god.... that was awesome..... that made my night.
cybergeek23851 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 07:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Juztyn00's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Member # 52569
Location: Mt. Vernon, IL
Posts: 504
Send a message via MSN to Juztyn00
Attached Images
 
Juztyn00 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 08:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
Mr. Personality
 
Azzy2000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Member # 11869
Location: Yukon, OK
Posts: 4,443


Fawesome story... glad ya didnt die
Azzy2000 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 08:09 PM   #9 (permalink)
SHOOT TO THRILL!
 
300sniper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Member # 26382
Location: Greenwood, Ca
Posts: 7,476
the upside cow on fire had me rolling
300sniper is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 08:11 PM   #10 (permalink)
Rock God
 
MattyB4x4's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Member # 32726
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,887
new sig material

"It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times."
__________________
5/8 Yotabuggy - duals + 4.7, 5.29's, locked, 40's, linked rear/fox airs, shift knob

ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
MattyB4x4 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 08:15 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
akpostal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Member # 15230
Location: wasilla AK
Posts: 162
Thank you sir and bravo.
akpostal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 09:12 PM   #12 (permalink)
Master Apprentice
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Member # 56692
Location: Williamsport PA
Posts: 1,249
definate classic. Reminds me of the time I layed my hand on a bender that seemed to have a bad ground. Im still hanging low.
__________________
1992 Explorer SAS'ed on HPD44/9" W/ 5.13 Locked F/R 36" TSL-SX on DIY Locks
sn0border88 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-06-2007, 10:34 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Spooky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Member # 23671
Location: NM
Posts: 274
Send a message via AIM to Spooky Send a message via Yahoo to Spooky
Quote:
Originally Posted by 45acp View Post
Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.
It took me about 3 minute to stop laughing before I could get past the first few sentences of this paragraph.
__________________
Embrace the Insanity!
Spooky is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 04:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
Rotten Sperm
 
Nordic1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Member # 63386
Location: Chico, Ca
Posts: 1,835
Nordic1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 05:48 AM   #15 (permalink)
Granite Guru
 
blueguy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Member # 15631
Location: Oromocto, New Brunswick, CANADA
Posts: 556
Send a message via MSN to blueguy
I just spit coffee through my nose onto the monitor

That's one outstanding rendition
blueguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 06:13 AM   #16 (permalink)
Registered User
 
ky scrambled's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Member # 85771
Location: Minnachoada
Posts: 2,476
Quote:
Originally Posted by 45acp View Post
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)



One of the funniest stories I have ever read. Thank you for not dying so you could tell it!!
__________________
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
ky scrambled is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 07:28 AM   #17 (permalink)
Hophead
 
Joe_W's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2001
Member # 4829
Location: Leander, Tx
Posts: 8,470
Send a message via AIM to Joe_W
Quote:
Originally Posted by WertyzMom View Post
x eleventybillion!!




I lost it about here and still laughin' my ass off!!
That was the part that had me crying
__________________
Sure, there are 49 other states in the Union, but they are smaller, wussier, and the people talk funny.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Muddin
The vagina doubles as a neat little fanny pack.
Joe_W is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 07:40 AM   #18 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Member # 6957
Posts: 4,262
ironpig70 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 07:50 AM   #19 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Member # 44662
Location: In a house!
Posts: 4,057
Quote:
Originally Posted by 45acp View Post

has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
LMFAO right here.
PONY_DRIVER is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 08:21 AM   #20 (permalink)
one armed bastid
 
dr hook's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Member # 69819
Location: Cedartown, Ga
Posts: 394
thank you sir. that made my fawking day.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by IEATRKS84 View Post
A lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying
dr hook is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 09:27 AM   #21 (permalink)
I break things
 
89breaker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Member # 64213
Location: Around
Posts: 2,097
Time stood still

This where I lost it.
89breaker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 09:46 AM   #22 (permalink)
Banned
 
4Mogger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Member # 33748
Location: Montrose, CO
Posts: 2,733
Back when I was a full time P.I. I was hired to watch the home of a guy who claimed his wife was having a visitor over while he was out of town on the weekends. I watched the entrance to the property for two weekends straight and no other vehicles came or went. But he persisted that someone had been there. So what else could I do but cut through a mile of cornfields on foot to literally lay at the edge of the cornfield nearest the house and watch all night with nightvision. Problem was that there was no moon and it was pitch black. Almost as soon as I left my vehicle to enter the cornfield, I took about 5 steps and fell into a water filled ditch up to my waist. So now I was wet. So out came the nightvision. But I also found out that electric fence wire is almost invisible to nightvision. I walked full speed into no less than 4 strands of very high amperage wires--and tried not to scream like a little girl every time.
Oh, yes she did get a visitor. As I was laying at the edge of the cornfield watching the back of the house, I heard something coming through the corn. This guy almost stepped on me as he went past 2 rows over. Turns out the guys step dad was screwing his wife-- convenient too since he lived adjacent to the place. My guess is that he was the one who set the wires because there is no way he could have navigated those fields without me hearing him yell out and curse.
Those were the days!
4Mogger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 09:48 AM   #23 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Member # 77684
Location: the 51st State
Posts: 12
I laughed, I cried, I peed & I farted all at the same time while reading this!
__________________
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][/FONT]

[COLOR="Red"][/COLOR]
Runs with scissors
Low-Buck J4K is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-07-2007, 09:53 AM   #24 (permalink)
In GOD we trust. USA
 
NoJoke's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Member # 15480
Location: San Diego County
Posts: 792
You, sir, can write.
You alone could solve Hollywood's problem w/ lack of creative zeal.

Oh, laughed harder than I have in a loong time.
__________________

<-- AVATAR for Concealed Carry Weapons permits in the U.S. over time: No issue / May issue / Shall issue / Constitutional carry- No restrictions / FROM 1986 to today
NoJoke is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2007, 06:55 PM   #25 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Member # 22498
Location: North Coast Cali/Ore 'The Border Zone'
Posts: 863
Send a message via AIM to WertyzMom Send a message via Yahoo to WertyzMom
Quote:
Originally Posted by Azzy2000 View Post


Fawesome story... glad ya didnt die
^^^^^

That too!!

__________________
*POOF*
WertyzMom is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:40 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.6
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.