Tuesday Comics....one day late....

[Schly]

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo!, Poo!, Poo!" -What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.



A Swedish study is linking alcohol to violence.
.....The study is called "Ireland." Can you imagine what the Middle East would be like if they did allow alcohol?

A study in Italy showed that people who eat a lot of pizza are less likely to get colon cancer. And another study says masturbation reduces risk of prostate cancer. It's what I've always said: Diet and exercise.
-- Jay Leno

A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie. The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm tired of all the hassles involved in making movies." "Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie..." "You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to make any more movies." "But we've got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed. "I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted. "Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!" "Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare...How can I go wrong? I'll do it!" "Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There's only one small hitch...I've got a girlfriend who sings..."


Random thoughts:
I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.

When thieves get caught stealing money, they go to jail. When politicians get caught, it's an honest mistake.

Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
Because they are tired of using their own.

Dr. Ruth says women should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes
nuts if I tell him how to drive.

Grueling endurance tests: the marathon, the iron-man competition, the airport security line.

I know the difference between a good man and a bad one, but I haven't been able to decide which I like better.

[Chister]

:Clapping:


My tuna salad sandwich is now firmly impacted up my nose from trying to not spit it out....

[MossMan]