Parenting advice? Please help me resist the urge to beat the snot out of an 11y.o.!

[Camarogenius]

I've got an 11 y.o. step daughter. She's really a sweet kid, but she's completely un motivated, and refuses to do anything she's told to do without micro-management. When told to clean the cat box, (she has to be told every day. Never once has she done it without being told to) You have to tell her to put the lid back on the litter container. Then you have to tell her to sweep up the spilled litter. EVERY DAY. When you tell her to take the trash out, you have to tell her to put bags back in the cans, then you have to tell her to go outside, and put the lids back on the cans. EVERY DAY.
Whenever she wants something, or wants to do something, and is told no, she goes and asks her mom, or calls her gramma, and plays everyone against each other until she gets her way.
Well yesterday, after she got done watching titanic for the eleventy-fifth time, I told her to do the dishes before she leaves for church, while I run to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner. An hour later, I come home to start cooking, just as she's running out the door to go to church, and she hasn't even started the dishes.
So, while she's gone to church, I do the dishes, (About 10 min. worth) so I can cook.
I went to pick her up from church instead of my wife, and she comes running out and hops in the van and sees me driving instead of her mom, and says "oh".
So, on the way home I asked her why she didn't do the dishes, and she just says "I dunno". It's a silent drive home after that. Once we get home, I bring it up as a "family talk". Well, she starts in, trying to play her mom against me, as usual, And I've had enough. So I tell her in a rather loud voice that I'm tired of the games, and that she really needs her ass beat.
My wife takes my side, against her, so she runs off to bed bawling. (She uses the crying trick quite often to get out of a situation that's not going her way)
So this morning, she goes to the guidance counselor, and tells her that she's afraid to go home, because she might get yelled at. The Counselor calls my wife at work, and gets her all flustered (My wife is on my side, and the counselor realizes that Hayley is a drama queen, it's just now the school is involved) So, she's going to granny's when she gets out of school, until her mom comes home, so we can have a family "talk".
I'm going to put together a packet that will look like it came from the most hell-on-earth military boot camp prison reform boarding school on earth, Complete with a filled out "enrollment application" and a check for the tuition, and leave it out for her to see.
She wants drama, I'll give her some!!
[/rant]

[MattS]

So not only are you dangerous on the road you are at home now too.



Someone had to say it.

[Muddin]

Originally Posted by Camarogenius

I'm going to put together a packet that will look like it came from the most hell-on-earth military boot camp prison reform boarding school on earth, Complete with a filled out "enrollment application" and a check for the tuition, and leave it out for her to see.
She wants drama, I'll give her some!!
[/rant]

I wouldn't do that unless you're ready to follow through with it. Because she's learned that you don't follow through with anything.

[Juztyn00]

sounds like you need to have a talk with the wife, grandma, and school about what needs to be done... everyone needs to be on the same page that chores need to be done before she is allowed to do ANYTHING including TV, computer, or church IMO. if she has fun things to do in her room, remove them and send her there when she doesn't agree. load her down with chores so her normal load wont seem like so much.. I don't have kids but i have seen this work. give her a uniform of a plain T-Shirt and pants and take away any nice clothes and she can earn them back. Just make it clear you ar the boss and her punishment get worse if she brings other people into it.

[AthlonAJ]

When she didn't do the dishes, you fawked up by doing them. Should have left them for her and not made supper...parked your ass on a chair and told her "you want to eat, get your work done". She's acting like a baby and like it or not it's because YOU allow her to get away with it in one form or another.

[pkhart]

Don't remind her, make her eat off dirty dishes and take the trash out of dirty stinky cans.

Does she have internet and tv in her room? Allways good things to leverage.

[Phonedoc]

I wouldn't look for any improvement until she's about 19 or 20. In fact, expect the situation to deteriorate for the next few years. You don't understand things like "drama" yet.

[mike]

Originally Posted by Muddin

I wouldn't do that unless you're ready to follow through with it. Because she's learned that you don't follow through with anything.

nothing causes a loss of respect faster either

[Roxywheels]

The grandmother needs to mind her own business. When the girl calls there she needs to tell her that she can't help her and that she should listen to her parents.

[Schly]

WTF? This kid is running the household! STOP IT!

Here's a quick list of things she can do without till she figured out how to be a contributing member of the household:

Cell Phone
Stereo
TV
Ipod
Computer
New Clothes
Bedroom Door
Dinner
Free Time

Do NOT let her get away with running off bawling to her room in the middle of "family time". Go get her and drag her back to the table. Let her bawl for as long as she wants and sit quietly and wait her out.

Only YOU can make her change her behaviors, and only YOU are responsible for letting it get this far.

Be a fucking parent!

[mike]

As a step parent he'll need grandma's buy in or it won't work anyway. But not being consistent and not following through with your threats.. instant way to lose complete respect.. at that point you've lost control. Period.

[Muddin]

Originally Posted by mike

nothing causes a loss of respect faster either

Yep. You do that and don't follow through, it's smooth sailing for her.


Does she have set chores? For example, it's her job to take out the trash and clean the litter box? If not, I'd start with that. She knows ahead of time that it's what she's supposed to take care of. If she doesn't do them, there's a consequence (that you've explained to her what that will be should she not do her chores). And there better actually be a consequence.

She can't argue with "You knew the deal and what happens if you break it."

[WertyzMom]

She's been your step-daughter for how long? 11 year old females are priming up for puberty so you better sack up for the 11-17 year old fun run with her.
She's currently playing the ladies in HER family against YOU... the New Male Authority Figure.
You must start putting her privileges on the table to be removed.. everyone gets to be involved and agree that if she doesn't have the dishes done by Church time.. she doesn't go until they are done.. that means she gets the privilege of getting to walk into Church late.
Cat box needs cleaning - lids on the trash cans... .. have Mom hover over her through each step until she knows how to finish her chores properly. (BONUS) if the trash gets scattered... she gets to pick it all up!)
Learning that there are consequences to 'non-action' is also a part of learning responsibility.
The School Counsellor is now involved? GOOD ... the 3 of you get to be involved now, make the counselor advise YOU what to do ... if she is a sweet kid then she should have no problems coming around to the reality of having her place in a functional family scene.
She sounds like she has been allowed to get away with a little too much without having proper boundaries established. It's easy enough to get them reestablished! (Watch out tho...)To throw a 180 on her right now without actually working thru whatever her real emotional problems 'might' be could blow up in your face!

How is her Bio father associated with her & Mom? Any relationship?

[Roxywheels]

Make a dry erase board with her chores on it. Set it up for a weeks time. Make a line for each detail of the chore. For instance...*take out trash and then *replace trash bag in trash can. She has to make a check mark for each thing she does on the day she does it. If she does, she loses something material or a privilege.

[Doc Holiday13]

Spank her, but make sure you aren't angry when doing it. But above all following through with what you say you are going to do will be the actual caveate to getting her to obey

[mike]

Originally Posted by Roxywheels

Make a dry erase board with her chores on it. Set it up for a weeks time. Make a line for each detail of the chore. For instance...*take out trash and then *replace trash bag in trash can. She has to make a check mark for each thing she does on the day she does it. If she does, she loses something material or a privilege.

I fired our oldest once. No more allowance. Then when she came around asking for rides, other things that you know.. parents regularly do etc the answer was "well, I don't feel like it." The message was received pretty quickly

[Camarogenius]

The problem is that the grandmother refuses to admit that hayley is anything less than a perfect little angel. And she's equally convinced that I'm Satan incarnate.
The grandmother's ex-husband was Satan. he physically abused her, and mentally abused my wife well into her 20's.
Now any time I make a stand, I'm acting "just like Kurt!" I've never been abusive to anyone. I understand that my size and my booming voice intimidates, even when I'm not trying to.
When My wife and I take a stand together, Hayley just calls her grandma, and we get to deal with a screaming crying 55 yo baby. This stresses my wife beyond her breaking point, and then I'm stuck in the middle of three bawling females. Gramma hates men, and thinks that all men are evil.
She worships the ground that Hayley walks on.
My wife wants to be the "Cool Mom". I'd really like to be a "Cool Step dad", but I realize that what the kid does now will directly affect the way she acts as an adult. As a responsible parent, I have the duty to prepare her for the reality that's going to kick her in the teeth in a few years.
Nothing about this world is easy. You have to meet your responsibilities without fail, or the world will cast you aside.
At this point, I'm willing to bet that Hayley will be a public aid queen when she grows up, if she's lucky.

[mike]

Originally Posted by Doc Holiday13

Spank her, but make sure you aren't angry when doing it. But above all following through with what you say you are going to do will be the actual caveate to getting her to obey

spanking really loses any effectiveness past about 6. At least with my kids.. then again, my kids are all pretty well behaved.

[Muddin]

Originally Posted by Camarogenius

The problem is that the grandmother refuses to admit that hayley is anything less than a perfect little angel. And she's equally convinced that I'm Satan incarnate.
The grandmother's ex-husband was Satan. he physically abused her, and mentally abused my wife well into her 20's.
Now any time I make a stand, I'm acting "just like Kurt!" I've never been abusive to anyone. I understand that my size and my booming voice intimidates, even when I'm not trying to.
When My wife and I take a stand together, Hayley just calls her grandma, and we get to deal with a screaming crying 55 yo baby. This stresses my wife beyond her breaking point, and then I'm stuck in the middle of three bawling females. Gramma hates men, and thinks that all men are evil.
She worships the ground that Hayley walks on.
My wife wants to be the "Cool Mom". I'd really like to be a "Cool Step dad", but I realize that what the kid does now will directly affect the way she acts as an adult. As a responsible parent, I have the duty to prepare her for the reality that's going to kick her in the teeth in a few years.
Nothing about this world is easy. You have to meet your responsibilities without fail, or the world will cast you aside.
At this point, I'm willing to bet that Hayley will be a public aid queen when she grows up, if she's lucky.

You both need to go over there and as politely as you can, tell her to butt out or she won't get to see or speak with her granddaughter unsupervised.

If you're a "cool mom" or a "cool dad" to someone in their pre-teens or teens, you're not being a good parent. You can't be their friend.

[mike]

eh, you can be the cool parents. Just not at the expense of discipline. It just has to be FAIR discipline.

[Camarogenius]

Originally Posted by Roxywheels

Make a dry erase board with her chores on it. Set it up for a weeks time. Make a line for each detail of the chore. For instance...*take out trash and then *replace trash bag in trash can. She has to make a check mark for each thing she does on the day she does it. If she does, she loses something material or a privilege.

Tried that. she just walks past it.
She hasn't had T.V. in her room for months.

[mike]

None of mine have TV in their rooms.. and they won't, unless they pay for it since when was that even on the table

[Muddin]

Originally Posted by mike

None of mine have TV in their rooms.. and they won't, unless they pay for it since when was that even on the table

I never had TV in my room.

[Doc Holiday13]

Originally Posted by mike

spanking really loses any effectiveness past about 6. At least with my kids.. then again, my kids are all pretty well behaved.

If I lived in my parents house it was live by their rules or move out. I got spanked till I was 19. Yes I deserved every single one and I know I didn't get all the spankings I should have. I wasn't well behaved

[payton]

matress on floor. no door nothing on the walls. no cloths other then blue jeans white t shirt. and dollar flip flops. 10 mins shower times. 10 mins to eat breakfast. dinner etc. rest of the time spent doing chores. homework bedroom.

and if that dont work beat her ass grow a set of nutz man

then tell grandmother to back the fuck off. not that it wont matter. 11yr old wont have a phone to call grandmother with.

did i mention grow some balls.