**PBB Editors** Advice &/or Editing on the Smackdown Letter to Hubby #1

[Kim~]

Okay. A little background before the letter goes up. And, a pre-warning--it's long.

My first husband decided to stop paying child support a few years ago. He has had a lot of things happen, and I have never been "desperate" for the money, so I have let it go. It has always been my preference to "get along" for my daughter's (Ali, 16) sake. Plus, I am wishy washy...so it isn't a good combo.

I make a modest living and live modestly. I am, and always have been, perfectly happy in this. I don't get new cars, toys--I don't do my nails, I splurge and get my hair done twice a year, I don't buy $$ shoes, purses, etc.. I'm pretty low-maint. I live at or below my means.

Last week, he pulled into my driveway in a new truck--I WAS PISSED--and now I am done. The letter pretty much spells the whole story out. So---what do I change, what do I keep, what are your thoughts??

Oh, and Mel...make that appointment.

As I am sure you are aware, you have elected to stop paying child support for Ali. I have no idea how you thought that this was an option, but you have. You never even sat down and discussed it with me; you just stopped. For a long time I felt guilty about asking you for child support because of Michael and Tiffany, because of your house burning down, because of Theresa’s surgery, etc..etc…it seems like “reasons” never end.

You have not carried medical insurance on your daughter since you were fired from Albertson’s back in 1995. John stood up and signed her as a stepchild on his insurance so that she could have coverage. She has not had dual coverage since 2002. I asked you to put her on your insurance years ago. You *forgot* and when I desperately asked you to add her after she was diagnosed, there was nothing you could do because she was a pre-existing condition.

You cancelled the life insurance that I asked you to get. A 50,000 policy, which is nothing, for $35 a month, so that I could have peace of mind for your daughter, were anything to happen to you.

Over the years you have purchased 3 new vehicles and a ski boat, and paying child support at your whim. In fact, when you purchased the Mastercraft, you were six months behind in child support. I found out about your purchase, not from you, but from a mutual friend.

Over the years, I have not gone to court to increase your child support, I simply asked, 10 years ago, that you increase from a measly $200 a month, to $300 a month. This, for the amount of time you have spent with her in the last 16 years, is a pittance. When you were working for Trader Joe’s, I could have gone to court to increase your child support requirement up to almost $700 a month, but I didn’t because I felt bad for the other two kids, I felt guilty about taking away from them. I didn’t go to court, in the spirit of trying to get along, for the sake of our daughter.

When Ali was in the hospital, for her second surgery, I had the papers all filled out and ready to file, and then you had the fire. Again, I backed off because I felt bad for you. Do you notice a theme here?? I wonder if Theresa would be as understanding if her ex were just to simply stop paying child support. She doesn’t strike me as the type to just let that go.

I have dealt with your DUI, your drug issues, your girlfriends, your money problems, and worst of all your inability to spend more than one day a month (sometimes less, depending on your current issue), with your daughter. Which, really---is my main concern. Her well being, her wellness of mind, body and spirit. I know you have the same concerns for her; however, your way of showing it leaves something to be desired. Do you realize that in 2005, you didn’t see Ali until February, you missed her birthday and didn’t even call, and when you finally did see her, it was just for the afternoon? You spent about 10 days with her that year.
I have gone for years with out doing anything, without saying anything negative about you, and letting you go about your merry little way, living your life, fitting Ali in whenever it suits you.

When you quit Trader Joe’s, without another job to go to (which leaves me wonder if you quit or if you were fired) you managed to give me $1000 towards what you owed for child support. I tried to tell you, many times, how far you were behind, and you never believed it was that bad. Let me just give you a re-cap:

July of 2004 was the last time that you were ever caught up. From that day, you continued to grow your balance. You gave me $300 in October of 2004, and $300 in November, which still left you $600 in the hole. You didn’t give me another check until March of 2005. At that point, you tried to get a bit of catching up done, and you gave me $900. You didn’t give me another check until October 2005 and that was for $200. By that time, you were $3100 in the hole.

In 2006 you gave me a check for $500 in August, shortly after you left Trader Joe’s. At that point you were still in the hole $5300. October of 2006 was the last check I received from you, in the amount of $500. It brings your current balance, as of July first, to $8100.

This does not even include your fair portion of over $10, 000 in the last 3 years that I have had to pay out of pocket in medical expenses for Ali. I even applied for help from Child Services of California, and I was denied. In all the years that I have been raising Ali, I have never made over XX a year. You had the nerve to brag about making over 60k, and you hadn’t paid child support in months.

Our daughter will be starting college in about 2 years. TWO YEARS. I know it seems like a long time away, but it is just around the corner.. She is an incredibly talented child. She deserves the right to go to a college of her choice. You are obligated to pay for half of that. I don’t see that happening. But I do see that you owe $8100 in back child support. And I see that over the next 18 months you will owe $5400 in child support. All of that put into a savings account--- that John started with his own money for her back in 1999----will help to fund a small portion her college education, along with any loans or student grants that she can get. College is about 12k a year, MINIMUM.

I believe that I have shown incredible patience and thoughtfulness for you, your girlfriend, and the kids. You on the other hand, have not even taken the time to sit down and try to come to some sort of minimal, measly agreement with me so that you could show me that you were at least trying. I think that after 15 years, I at LEAST deserved that.

You need to sit down, and figure out HOW you are going to get back on track, stay on track, and get caught up. This is no longer an option for you. You have proven, over the last few years especially, that you cannot manage this on your own, and I feel like my kindness has been taken advantage of. You have given no thought to the debt and expense that I have accrued.

Let me just give you a little insight to your other option, letting the District Attorney manage what you owe. First of all, you won’t have a choice of making a payment---payments will come directly out of your paycheck. The standard deduction is about half of your check. They will also add interest on the back child support. The longer you take to pay the back support, the more you accrue. Just like a credit card. Only you can’t claim bankruptcy and be rid of it. Also, your income will be evaluated and it is possible that what we agreed on, verbally, might not be what you would actually owe given the amount of time you spent with her and your income level being so much higher than mine.

This is NOT the path I want to take. If it were I would have done it long ago. I believe that I have shown over the years that I have had concern for you and your varied situations and your family. You have not always shown me the same consideration. I prefer that you create a plan and stick to it. I prefer not to have to take the alternative route. I have had the papers filled out, in hand for years. Once the process starts, there will really be no way to hide from it. So, take 30 days, figure out what you’d like to do, and let me know. I’m relatively flexible; I’ll let you make the choice how you want to do this. I wish that it hadn’t come to this, but that choice was 100% yours.

[antipodalboy]

I think you're being too nice. 15 years is plenty of time to wait; remove that last paragraph and include the 30 day ultimatum in the now second to last paragraph. Telling him that this isn't the path you want to take isn't a good idea, IMO.

Something like:

"You need to sit down, and figure out HOW you are going to get back on track, stay on track, and get caught up. You have proven, over the last few years especially, that you cannot manage this on your own, and I feel like my kindness has been taken advantage of. You have given no thought to the debt and expense that I have accrued. I will give you 30 days to figure this out before I will proceed with the only option left to rectify this situation. "

[zakk]

how bad do you want it? I can edit it and sharpen the message a bit

[RJR99SS]

Here's what i'd go with...


"GIVE ME THE MONEY YOU JEW BASTARD!"

Short and sweet

[CragRat]

Can I deliver the letter ?

[cptyarderho]

fork. neck. yada yada yada...

What an enormous disappointment as a father.

[Renee]

Hopefully he doesn't read this as an empty threat. It seems like you haven't threatened him before though, so this might do the trick. However, it might be better for Ali if you do go through the DA. It would probably be nice to get at least a few more hundred dollars a month that you can start saving towards her college fund.

[Intrepidyota]

So basically you are saying that you want him to pay, but you are going to give him a way to pay it that will allow him to do the same thing to you again later when you are less angry about it and more willing to let it go for another couple years? I say skip sending him the letter, call your attorney, solve this problem once and for all.

My mother had this problem with my father when we were kids, same general idea, she would ask, he would agree, then stop paying, etc, etc. Problem was only solved when the money was taken before he gets his check.

Also, I don't think he legally has to pay anything for her college, he COULD if he chose to, but the law won't make him AFAIK.

[Oppositeboy]

Apparently the time for being Ms. Nice Girl is long gone. Take him to court! That will be the only way he will come close to catching up. It sounds like he doesn't even deserve this letter. But if you are going to send him one, take out:

This is NOT the path I want to take. If it were I would have done it long ago. I believe that I have shown over the years that I have had concern for you and your varied situations and your family. You have not always shown me the same consideration. I prefer that you create a plan and stick to it. I prefer not to have to take the alternative route. I have had the papers filled out, in hand for years. Once the process starts, there will really be no way to hide from it. So, take 30 days, figure out what you’d like to do, and let me know. I’m relatively flexible; I’ll let you make the choice how you want to do this. I wish that it hadn’t come to this, but that choice was 100% yours.

and replace it with you will be hearing from my lawyer.

Some of his situations were unfortunate, but he needs to talk to other guys and see how lucky he's been. Take him to court, for you and Ali's sake. It should have been done a long time ago. If he would rather buy toys and not care about his daughter, fuck him. Let the hounds loose!

[s10er8]

Good luck with this, some states do not tolerate it.

[DRM]

Originally Posted by Intrepidyota

I say skip sending him the letter, call your attorney, solve this problem once and for all.

X2.



I know the letter makes you "feel" better - but it's useless BS that he will glaze over.

Skip straight to the part where you haul his ass to court and make him pay.

[Jy Dog]

Originally Posted by antipodalboy

I think you're being too nice. 15 years is plenty of time to wait; remove that last paragraph and include the 30 day ultimatum in the now second to last paragraph. Telling him that this isn't the path you want to take isn't a good idea, IMO.

Something like:

"You need to sit down, and figure out HOW you are going to get back on track, stay on track, and get caught up. You have proven, over the last few years especially, that you cannot manage this on your own, and I feel like my kindness has been taken advantage of. You have given no thought to the debt and expense that I have accrued. I will give you 30 days to figure this out before I will proceed with the only option left to rectify this situation. "

X2 on the above.......

Note: My hats off to you for your patience in the past.....This letter says a lot about you and John. I know you will, but stay the course in avoiding emotional responses or comments to him...Keep it all business for the sake of you, your daughter and your family now.

At this stage,(If you are dead set on giving him more time....I think you should just go straight to the DA, though) I would try to get a mtg set up with him. He needs to sell the boat, etc. for a down payment to you and make regular pmts to you monthly.....Without this agreement, I would just go ahead and file.....something you are more than likely going to need to do, anyway.

Good luck and keep us all posted. :thumbsup:

[Bondage]

I skimmed over the letter...is there a deadline?

and delete the last paragraph.

[criscfer]

Another vote for less emotion, and more focus on why you are contacting the DA to start receiving payment.
You are already compasionate in allowing him to only pay $200-300.
Stop trying to excuse yourself, he is the one in the wrong.

[Kim~]

OK...did give the disclaimer that I am wishy washy.

I have never threatened. I am not a threatener. I am a pretty passive person. I prefer to just get along, especially in situations that won't change.

I know that I need to do this. EVERYONE in my life has been telling me to do it for at LEAST 10 years. My biggest reason for not doing it---is Ali. Which is like a catch 22. She will be hurt that I would go after her dad, but at the same time...we need to have the money for her college.

I have raised her on my own for 16.5 years, and I think, she has turned out quite well. I just don't want her to get mad at me. I have debated sitting down and talking to her about it--but she doesn't have a lot of clarity when it comes to her dad. SO, I just don't know what to do about that.

Second, is that first and foremost, I am a mother (of three) and I feel guilty about taking money (essentially food) out of the mouths of the other (my ex's )children. These tow things are what have held me back all these years. When I was married, I didn't worry about it so much. We were pretty financially secure, and it was more an issue of principal over need.

I just want to be sure Ali goes to college, and I feel like he hasn't stepped up in the dad department...uh, at all.

EDIT:

okay...looks like everyone thinks I should just go straight for the jugular. I think the letter is more for Ali, than me---okay...maybe me too. I have a hard time with this...I am emotional...I am female!

[brector]

Originally Posted by DRM

X2.



I know the letter makes you "feel" better - but it's useless BS that he will glaze over.

Skip straight to the part where you haul his ass to court and make him pay.

x3

[APRILRAZZ]

That letter is too nice Kim. It sounds like you have given him every chance in the world to take care of his obligations. Take his ass to court! We will be standing by with our purses

[Kim~]

Originally Posted by APRILRAZZ

That letter is too nice Kim. It sounds like you have given him every chance in the world to take care of his obligations. Take his ass to court! We will be standing by with our purses

I better get out and get me one! Thanks Bev!!!

I may need someone to actually force me into the car and drive me to the courthouse. Seriously.

[Kim~]

Originally Posted by CragRat

Can I deliver the letter ?

Of course.

[rugger]

I'd have your attorney review any and all correspondence that you have.

[Benzz0]

call your local division of child support services - get his name on the dead beat dads list...

What a dick...

[APRILRAZZ]

Here is your new letter....

Dear Deadbeat,
See ya in court fawker!
Kiss Kiss,
Kim

[Muddin]

My suggestion would be to move parts to the top where you tell him that he'll be paying child support regularly from now on or else. Otherwise, he may not read the entire thing or lose interest because IMO a good majority comes across as nagging.

Then re-write the letter now that you've gotten some emotions out.
Make it cut and dry, to the point.

I haven't seriously gone after you because of
1.) This
2.) That
3.) This here

Since you can now afford, and have purchased
1.) this
2.) that
3.) this here
you can afford child support. I expect monthly payment of $___ by the ___th of each month as previously agreed upon. Should this not happen by the ___th of the month of ___, my attorney will contact you to pursue further action.

I tried to be flexible about this, but that obviously isn't benefiting our daughter.

Kim

Send certified mail.

That's my suggestion.

[Oppositeboy]

Originally Posted by Kim~

I have never threatened. I am not a threatener. I am a pretty passive person. I prefer to just get along, especially in situations that won't change.

It can change if you get lawyers involved and you see your cut before he gets a chance to spend it on his toys.

Originally Posted by Kim~

I know that I need to do this. EVERYONE in my life has been telling me to do it for at LEAST 10 years. My biggest reason for not doing it---is Ali. Which is like a catch 22. She will be hurt that I would go after her dad, but at the same time...we need to have the money for her college.

How do you know she will be hurt? She should be old enough to see that her dad is choosing not to see her more than once a month (if she is lucky to even see him that much). If I were in her shoes, I'd be bitter about my dad not wanting to see me more.

Originally Posted by Kim~

I have raised her on my own for 16.5 years, and I think, she has turned out quite well. I just don't want her to get mad at me. I have debated sitting down and talking to her about it--but she doesn't have a lot of clarity when it comes to her dad. SO, I just don't know what to do about that.

She's 16. She'll get mad at you a whole lot of times anyways. Which also means she'll get over it a whole lot of times. You need to do what is best for you and her, not what preserves the most feelings. Have you talked about this with her at all?

Originally Posted by Kim~

Second, is that first and foremost, I am a mother (of three) and I feel guilty about taking money (essentially food) out of the mouths of the other (my ex's )children. These tow things are what have held me back all these years. When I was married, I didn't worry about it so much. We were pretty financially secure, and it was more an issue of principal over need.

How do you know that you are taking money from the other kids? They can do without a new vehicle or boat. You wouldn't be taking food out of their mouths, maybe an extra trip to the lake or two.

Originally Posted by Kim~

I just want to be sure Ali goes to college, and I feel like he hasn't stepped up in the dad department...uh, at all.

He needs help in that dept, and that's where the lawyers come in.

[HighToy]

Just call the child services department and let them know what's up and they will start deducting the money from his paychecks. You've given him more than enough chances.