It's the little things in life.

[Dieselmh]

That make me wonder what I've done to earn so much negative karma! This is a long story. If you don't like to read, fuck off. If you don't like my spelling or grammar, go shove your dick in a meat grinder. If you don't like me in general, take a number, get in line, and shut the fuck up.

So, I'm at the gym yesterday (shut up, I do go to the gym. Uh huh! Whatever, you're not my friend anymore!) prepared to do my hour and a half of anti-fatty exercising and sweating. Well, I can sweat pretty much anywhere, especially in Texas in the summer, where it's more humid than that smelly chick's stinkhole that that one guy was talking about in that one thread. You know, the one where the chicks got mad at him, then punked him out. Anyway, you get the idea, it's hot, I sweat, and it's more acceptable at the gym than it is to stand out front of the Walgreens, sweating on passers by until they pay me to stop. It's less profitable, but more acceptable.

First things first, I need to get changed into my gym clothes. So, as I'm standing in front of the mirror, admiring my body and the way my pecker fits into my new speedo, I come to a realization. Ok, I'm kidding, I don't own a speedo, and I sure as hell don't admire myself in the mirror. Let's face it, not even fat people want to see fat people naked, and that includes ourselves. Anyway, I get changed, take a piss (I'm not sure why I shared that part, but whatever), put on my Ipod and head to the weight room. It was a good day in the weight room. It was empty, and I was able to do all my stuff in about 40 minutes. (It was leg day, and to be quite honest, my legs get enough of a workout hauling my fat ass around every day, so I don't really feel the need to punish them much more than that.) Towards the end of the workout, some dude comes in, and you can tell that he hits the creatine (or some other type of protein) very hard. Either that, or he fuckin' loves to eat beans, cabbage, and all that other stuff that gives you the fanny burps. This dude had major gas problems. Every time he lifted, he'd fart. And not those little girly farts, either. It sounded like a fucking Riverdance performance being held on a stage full of bullfrogs in there. This is bullshit, I'm going do cardio. Somebody open a window.

I grab my stuff and head to the cardio room, which is down a little hallway (by little, I mean it's not long, not that it's skinny, which would be a pretty cruel fawking joke. Haha, you're too fat to get down the skinny hall to the cardio room, you're going to be fat forever! But I digress. To get to the cardio room, you have to pass a room that is used for meetings and stuff. Tonight is Weight Watchers. It's not bad enough that you have to push your way through the herd of kitchen cattle who are desperately trying to finish their Starbuck's coffee and Milky Ways before going to the meeting, all while bitching about how they're eating sooo much because they're stressed about the kids going back to school, but then you get the ultimate insult. As I walked by, the bitch running Weight Watchers opened the door for me, and asked if I was coming in. WTF? I don't know if it's socially acceptable to kick a woman in the she-nuts and call her a stupid cock container, but that bitch came mighty close to finding out. I stood there looking at her for a while, with a stupid(er than normal) look on my face. I'm sure she sees that look a lot, it was probably similar to the look she gets when she tells the beefaloes that no, you can't eat Bon Bons and chips all day and lose weight. I finally replied "No, I'm going to work out!" in my "not so quiet voice, which is the same voice I use to inform other drivers when they do something stupid like get in my way while I'm trying to cross 4 lanes of traffic to get to my exit ramp. Of course, I also muttered a little "which is what they (nodding towards the herd) should be doing." Wow, that was awkward. On to the Serengeti. That's what we call the cardio room, due to the large numbers of wildebeests that inhabit the area.

Now, time for the elliptical machine. This is my favorite. By favorite, I mean less bad. It's kinda like deciding if you want to have your balls smashed between two dictionaries, while being lectured on the virtues of being a liberal by Screwzer2 and having your balls smashed between two cinder blocks while having to read a 10 page essay on proper grammar, written by Ironpig. I'm not sure which is which, but I chose the elliptical over the other forms of torture. I find the only open machine, and hop on. Of course, I'm stuck between a woman who outweighs me, and takes one step approximately every 5 seconds (but hey, at least she's doing something, instead of eating junk food while waiting to go to Weight Watchers) and a grandma who sounds like she's about to die, huffing and puffing like an old woman on an elliptical machine. That's probably not the best analogy to use, but if you've ever been next to one, you know what I'm talking about. If not, tough shit, you're an adult, figure it out. Anyway, I get going. About 15 minutes into my 40 minute workout (you'll note that earlier I said I did an hour and a half in the gym, spent 40 minutes lifting weights and 40 minutes cardio. Sure, that doesn't add up to an hour and a half, but fuck it, I'm from Willis, where the cows are all stump broke math is for pussies), hell breaks loose. By hell, I mean my left nut, and by breaks loose, I mean escapes my underwear. Yep, ol' lefty decided to make a break for it, and is now being ground into my thigh by the elastic in my drawers with every step I take. I quickly decide that this is bad. Very bad. Not wanting to stop what I was doing, and go to the bathroom, for fear of losing my machine, I devise a plan. As I make a down stroke with my left leg, I'll just reach down with my left hand and rectify the situation. Do you have any idea how hard it is to adjust your left nut, while on a moving elliptical machine, in a room full of women, without looking like a perv? I've never actually done brain surgery, but I'd bet it's pretty damned close. Left leg goes down, I reach for the offending testicle, left leg comes up, I lose balance since one hand is on the machine and the other is on my marble sack, I almost fall off the machine, everyone looks, and I'm stuck there, grabbing myself, trying to wrestle a nut back into my drawers. Yeah, it was a great moment in Dieselmh history. Since everyone was already looking at me like some creepy guy at the playground (you'd have to be pretty hard up for poon, to be able to get a stiffy while surrounded by the Orcas in that place, but of course they all think they're hot), I decided to say fuck it. I stopped, reached down, and put things back where they belonged, then gave the ballsack a little cup and lift, just to be defiant towards the gawkers. Kind of a "yeah, that's right, I'm adjusting my nuts. Don't be hatin', just because the only set you have are tucked in your purse and belong to your pussywhipped husbands" sort of thing. Fuck 'em, if I'm getting thrown out, I'm making damned sure that my nuts are properly stored for the trip before I leave. I hear a few giggles, a wheeze from Granny, then everyone goes back to what they're doing. I'm sure when they got home to their hubbies, it probably got all blown out of proportion. "There was some guy leering at me in the gym today. He kept looking at me lustfully, and touching himself. I felt so violated." All the while, the husband is probably thinking "Oh, please God, if you do me this one favor, and let her be abducted by this guy, I'll do anything you want from now on. P.S. please let me get my balls back from her first." Fuckin' heifers!

Some days it just doesn't pay to leave the house. *grumble, grumble*


P.S. To the person who walked by my truck and folded up my passenger side mirror, thanks a lot for getting your grubby fingerprints all over it, and moving the mirror part so that I had to readjust it. I hope you fall down in an ant bed and get raped up the nose by a horny porcupine.

[sceep]

[preach]

Everyone in the office is now looking at the freak at his laptop laughing his ass off as quietly as possible.

[cybergeek23851]

Dagnabit Diesel! You brought teh fawking funnay back!

[Muddin]

Beefaloes

[Bondage]

Holy sheet Dielsel brings the funny:laug hing:
I support your cause.

[Terrys_85_Toy]

I found it ironic that you titled this "Little Things" when talking about the fat asses at the gym. Then I got to the last paragraph where you were talking about your balls and it all made sense.

[proletariat]

Originally Posted by Dieselmh

Let's face it, not even fat people want to see fat people naked, and that includes ourselves.

Haha, you're too fat to get down the skinny hall to the cardio room, you're going to be fat forever! But I digress.

I've never actually done brain surgery, but I'd bet it's pretty damned close.

It's my new mission to work that last one into a conversation today.

[TEX]

So'd ya ever get back to that Weight Watchers meeting?

[mobil1syn]

good read Dieselmh

[fullygruntled]

It sounded like a fucking Riverdance performance being held on a stage full of bullfrogs in there.

High Quality

[Sue]

I didn't know nuts slip out of undies. Are yours undies just old and lost the elastic? Are your nuts like an old mans and waay too dangly? Or do you have normal nuts and this is a normal occurance?


And if it is a normal occurance, I am going to be disturbed by this for a few days.


I learn so much useless information here

[MattS]

Quality!!!

[Dieselmh]

Originally Posted by TEX

So'd ya ever get back to that Weight Watchers meeting?

No, the building foundation wasn't rated for a two story structure. Any additional fatties in that room would have undoubtedly overloaded the foundation, causing the building to collapse.

Originally Posted by NI733HM Chick

I didn't know nuts slip out of undies. Are yours undies just old and lost the elastic? Are your nuts like an old mans and waay too dangly? Or do you have normal nuts and this is a normal occurance?


And if it is a normal occurance, I am going to be disturbed by this for a few days.


I learn so much useless information here

It's kind of normal when you're doing a lot of walking or running, especially if you don't have tight drawers on. The drawers I was wearing are left overs from my super fatty days, so they are a little looser than they should be. It's kind of a toss up. You can either wear tight drawers, and run the risk of smothering your wrinkly friends, or you wear loose drawers and run the risk of one trying to escape. I think there is a 4% chance that the boys will slip out if you wear loose drawers. Much like FrankieBones, that 4% jumped up and bit me in the ass, err, slid out of the side, ah, whatever. You know what I mean.

[Karma]

Always good for the midmorning laugh.

[Dieselmh]

Originally Posted by Karma

Always good for the midmorning laugh.

Fuck you. If I ever see you on the street, I'm going to stomp on your toes and shove a cactus down your throat!

[79broncn]

Originally Posted by Dieselmh

Left leg goes down, I reach for the offending testicle, left leg comes up, I lose balance since one hand is on the machine and the other is on my marble sack, I almost fall off the machine, everyone looks...

[azrain]

Awesome writing style! I laughed, I cried, two thumbs up.

Keep on working, I'm a fat ass also. Sucks to have gotten here but just keep your chin (or in my case both chins) up and keep moving forward.
Doing the oatmeal for breakfast thing now, sure isn't filling but it does taste like shit.

[gotmuddy]

Diesel brings the funnay on this shittah friday....I enjoyed laughing at your pathetic existance

BTW, if you dont wear undies you dont have to worry about nuts getting squished like that.

[Roxywheels]

Did you have to mention me in a thread about your slipping sac??

[preach]

Originally Posted by Dieselmh

Fuck you. If I ever see you on the street, I'm going to stomp on your toes and shove a cactus down your throat!

My money is on Karma. Fucker always gets the better of me.

[BCzuk]

[StoneyK5]

"herd of kitchen cattle"

[TEX]

Originally Posted by Roxywheels

Did you have to mention me in a thread about your slipping sac??

Do you think you have a few minutes to take in his oversized undies so we don't have to have such a catastrophe again? 4% is just too big of a risk when the boys are involved

[mudmaid]