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I am spent...Nothing more to give

Posted 09-08-2008 at 11:09 PM by Harvester of Sorrow

Below is the tale from my recording studio experience on August 20th, 2008:

They say that silence can be deafening, that silence kills. I know this to be oh so true…there are times when I feel dead. There are times when I feel so alone and so spent…I try to do so much to please everyone and due to this, right now I sit in a dark office with no noise…deaf in the mind. Only the hollowness rings true now.

Yesterday I spent nearly ten full hours in a large dark room. Yesterday my mind was exercised harder than I have ever known it to be. The result is that today, there is nothing left. In this dark room there only was an assembly of circuits, transistors, microphones, and one of me. My job was to convey, with my instrument, the soul, emotion, conviction, and desire of noise.

Noise…right now at 1:03pm on August 21, 2008 I despise noise. I have my hearing aids turned off. I have my office door closed. I have only spoken to two people today…the owner of my company, and my beautiful, still understanding fiancée. I need to re-connect the synapses and let the mind re-boot…I am hoping that this latte I have not had for 2 weeks will help lubricate the situation. This afternoon I am supposed to return to the home of the large dark room…to listen to more noise. I am really not enjoying that thought right now.

How many times can you sing one word? The word "thing" is such a simple little one syllable word. Place it in a trill though, add some vibrato. Now double or triple that…so that all three sound exactly the same. I dare you. Now rinse and repeat. How many times can you do that? I know that I lost count after around 20. How many times can you listen to one guitar riff, or drum and bass intro…before it sounds like static? I know that at around 9:50pm last night the noise was becoming white…opaque in its blanketing of the mind.

This numbing journey was taken through 6 completely different worlds. Every landscape along the way consisted of different echoes. You know how in the morning when you first wake, and you walk into the bathroom forgetting that you have had your eyes closed for 7 hours? Then you turn on the light…reaching for empty air…the mind racing like nothing in this world for a solution, for a remedy, anything to stop the pain. That is what it is like to stand in the dark room reaching for only echoes.

When you are deaf…or hearing impaired, there are questions of balance. I know that last night I started to fall. Last night I scraped the side of the fence that I had been salsa dancing upon. The cut is only a skin, yet it bleeds still today. Scars will run deep for some time I assume…I know. The balance will hopefully be coming back to me.

For some many months now I have weighed to one side over the other…last night tipped the scales. I spent all I had…I had nothing more to volunteer. As a result the scales slammed the side, marking for life my mistakes made. Screams of emotions, of my big ideas, me and my big plans echoed in my hollowed existence...

I am looking forward to some personal time. Some time in the mountains to smell fresh air, be near my most beloved woman and lover, and remind her that she is not forgotten. To show that this music thing is not my life...but merely a part of it. Wipe off some of the blood...paint the fence for a new dance...

To find the balance...to be able to hear again.
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