Originally Posted by H8DWINGS
Killed 25 days today. Thought I could have a controlled amount but it has become ‘tomorrow is for recovery’ and I will still go out and get a long run in. I actually thought this time I could control it but it quickly became about the buzz. It’s sad honestly. Wife would rather do anything than hang out with me. I fawked up and though a ‘non-significant day’ (not new years) day would be okay if I kept the focus on tomorrow but tomorrow quickly became the ‘i Can deal with it’ tomorrow which sucks.
Your thinker isn't working right. If it helps, I and many others I know have done what you are doing. For me, this was only the beginning of a shit show I had chosen over admitting I had a problem and doing something about it. I thought my way into some pretty bad places for a long time. Years of fights, nights in jail, upset wife and kids, pissed off bosses, money problems, lies, arrogance, crashed cars, losing friends, on and on. All to avoid one simple truth: I was a fucking drunk.
In the final stages of life implosion, a little 3 watt light bulb in my head flickered and I got the "moment of clarity" that was actually desperate navel gazing and got my ass into an AA meeting. That's where I began unfucking myself. Choose your path, but be aware that once you know you're fucked, drinking will not be fun anymore it will just be what you do. Even when you quit, it will still be trying to find a way back into your life. You're seeing that now I expect. For me, it's all still there, any time I want it back I can have it all and more. Today I choose not to have it back. That is what I mean when I say that I am grateful for what I have and what I don't have. You're in my prayers.