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Old 11-02-2018, 11:11 AM   #76 (permalink)
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You've posted in here a few times and if you could handle it...beer to you but, you are coming off as you think you are morally superior to those otherwise. Or maybe that's just the way I'm reading your post.
Not just you...

My pops had a second, me, at his late 40s. ~20 year gap between me and my sister, and it created a ton of bullshit. Sis felt like she was cast aside with the new baby, and she wasn't wrong.

I'm worried that the 13y/o would take this hard. She's your real blood, and her needs will absolutely go on the back burner with thee new kids. Not to mention the financial commitment. Those kids will be fucked up for years from the prior parents, assuming you can even straighten em out.

You can't save everyone from everything.
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:13 AM   #77 (permalink)
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I disagree. Will you be able to physically participate in your kids sports and activities when you get older? I'll say not at the level you're at now and if so, you're going to be too old. I've seen lot of guys worn out in their 60s. Additionally, if you were to take on 3 other kids who possibly will be rotten, do you want them around to corrupt your kids? I came from a family of 10, step brothers and sisters that were absolute hell raisers and never was there peace at home, until they were gone. Selfish, yes, but think past tomorrow, past 5 years. be objective.
You disagree with how I feel about myself.

How nice of you.

Regarding your 'too old', yes, I too was concerned that could be an issue. But, as of today, I haven't died. So, I'm still good.

Regarding fitness. I'm still fit.

Regarding the OP adopting, that's his decision, as I tried to clearly state in my original post.
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:14 AM   #78 (permalink)
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The sister in law has 3 kids ranging from about 4 ,7 and 10 years old. She is a piece of shit and the state is gonna take them and i told my wife i didnt want them. My own kids were about 13 years apart with the youngest now being 13 so ive basically been raising a kid for the last 26 years,ill be 50 next year. How big of an asshole does this make me?
Asshole, no. Sensible, yes.
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:23 AM   #79 (permalink)
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I have just got to reply to this thread. My older sister, whom I was pretty close to growing up. Married a shitty man. They raised their three kids, the youngest who has Downís syndrome. She was a shitty mother. Not a addict or anything. They just never mad them mind. If they wanted something they would scream until they got their way.
Fast forward and the daughter becomes a tweeker and sleep around whore. She ends up having four kids, non of which have the same father. The daughter steals my moms whole inheritance. $14,000 My mom still tryís to save her. It destroys my relationship with my mother. Then it puts her in the grave. My sister rescued all of them from the foster care system. Raised the them as her own. They are as fucked up as their mother. My niece got off drugs and moved in with my sister to HELP her raise them. What a fucking joke. My sister now had five kids in her house. Her daughter moved out a couple of months ago into low income housing. She is now hitting all the bars and trying her best to fuck every willing thing with a dick.
Tell this story to you wife. It is just the tip of the iceberg to this story.
what?>
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:26 AM   #80 (permalink)
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You've posted in here a few times and if you could handle it...beer to you but, you are coming off as you think you are morally superior to those otherwise. Or maybe that's just the way I'm reading your post.
I am superior to no one, I assure you. Apologies for appearing that way.

We have to know what we can do and can't do as it relates to raising kids. My wife works with Foster kids (social work) and so, I help her with stuff as it comes up. Kids who come from good families have issues sometimes. Kids who come from chaotic families or messed up families have many more times the number of problems and challenges etc... they don't need more...

So, if a guy self identifies as someone who does not feel that they are up to the challenge... GOOD for him for seeing it and taking action to avoid a situation that could do harm to kids who don't need the additional harm.

On the other hand, I'm old fashioned and my sense of my own being a responsible adult is that I was put here to work, and sacrifice, and be a caretaker and work it out. I do not expect that of ANYONE else, but I do of myself.

My kids are freshly out of the house and my wife and I are LOVING the empty nest. But, I have already started the planning for a mother in law unit should one of the kids need to come home or have kids or my mom or mil need a place or a cousin or whatever... I'd just like to be prepared.

I kind of dread it because I like my life, but, I have a sister who is a fuckup and a couple of nieces and nephews with problems... and I feel like I should be prepared to help as needed. That is JUST a choice of mine and something I think I can do and do no harm at... I have seen people kind of try when they didn't want to and it just makes it worse...

There is no one person better than another, just what we prepare ourselves to do... my second response was to someone saying that they couldn't see why people would sacrifice, and my response is that I identify sacrifice and family commitment and those things as being a mature adult who accepts that we are here to work and provide and build... not everyone is wired that way, nobody is better... just different values.
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:41 AM   #81 (permalink)
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Just talked to baby daddy and we are going to try to help him with lawyer and anyway possible. He says he wants all 3 and to not split them up,not sure if they will even give him that option. He went to prison for selling meth and is still on probation and just recently went to jail for driving on a suspended license. Like i said he isnt a model citizen but he is trying to get his shit together. Not sure if he stands a chance in hell of pulling it off but we will see.
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:43 AM   #82 (permalink)
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I am superior to no one, I assure you. Apologies for appearing that way.

We have to know what we can do and can't do as it relates to raising kids. My wife works with Foster kids (social work) and so, I help her with stuff as it comes up. Kids who come from good families have issues sometimes. Kids who come from chaotic families or messed up families have many more times the number of problems and challenges etc... they don't need more...

So, if a guy self identifies as someone who does not feel that they are up to the challenge... GOOD for him for seeing it and taking action to avoid a situation that could do harm to kids who don't need the additional harm.

On the other hand, I'm old fashioned and my sense of my own being a responsible adult is that I was put here to work, and sacrifice, and be a caretaker and work it out. I do not expect that of ANYONE else, but I do of myself.

My kids are freshly out of the house and my wife and I are LOVING the empty nest. But, I have already started the planning for a mother in law unit should one of the kids need to come home or have kids or my mom or mil need a place or a cousin or whatever... I'd just like to be prepared.

I kind of dread it because I like my life, but, I have a sister who is a fuckup and a couple of nieces and nephews with problems... and I feel like I should be prepared to help as needed. That is JUST a choice of mine and something I think I can do and do no harm at... I have seen people kind of try when they didn't want to and it just makes it worse...

There is no one person better than another, just what we prepare ourselves to do... my second response was to someone saying that they couldn't see why people would sacrifice, and my response is that I identify sacrifice and family commitment and those things as being a mature adult who accepts that we are here to work and provide and build... not everyone is wired that way, nobody is better... just different values.

My apologies then.

But it may not be values but a simple reflection of what they are mentally/emotionally, financially, etc...capable of.

Edit: Let me expand on this a little.

I’m 51 and my wife is 50. We have a 27 year old daughter that’s married with a 3 year old daughter of her own. They (daughter and SIL) are both educated and work full time and own their own home. They actually hate most people their age for being lazy asses.

Now, I think I can speak for my wife and myself that as long as we are alive, they have a home. That’s not to say that its not our house…our rules. Period.

Right now my MIL is going through a bunch of shit with my wifes sister, husband and gaggle of kids (in my opinion they are taking advantage of her) but its her house and she decides what she will put up with and I’ve made it clear to her that I can’t do shit about it until she decides shes had enough…if she ever does. Then and only then will I step in and they will leave. Willingly or not will be their choice but not leaving will not be an option.

They can’t afford to really carry their end of the bills…my MIL is 71 years old and still working to support their asses. But they could afford a pos 5th wheel camper. I made the comment they might want to get it in shape because if anything happens and my MIL passes away, I don’t know where they will live but I can guaran damn ty I know where they are not going to be living….and that includes their kids.
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:52 AM   #83 (permalink)
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If they were my nieces and nephews, I would adopt and court order the mother no contact, or paid monitored visits.

That is of course no other family member is able to step up.
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:56 AM   #84 (permalink)
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But to answer question. No. This does not make you an asshole
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:58 AM   #85 (permalink)
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You've posted in here a few times and if you could handle it...beer to you but, you are coming off as you think you are morally superior to those otherwise. Or maybe that's just the way I'm reading your post.
Nope. I read it that way too.
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Old 11-02-2018, 12:00 PM   #86 (permalink)
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Just talked to baby daddy and we are going to try to help him with lawyer and anyway possible. He says he wants all 3 and to not split them up,not sure if they will even give him that option. He went to prison for selling meth and is still on probation and just recently went to jail for driving on a suspended license. Like i said he isnt a model citizen but he is trying to get his shit together. Not sure if he stands a chance in hell of pulling it off but we will see.
In a conservative state like OK; NO. FUGGIN. WAY.


If he had five years of a clean/upstanding life; maybe.
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Old 11-02-2018, 12:04 PM   #87 (permalink)
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My apologies then.

But it may not be values but a simple reflection of what they are mentally/emotionally, financially, etc...capable of.

Edit: Let me expand on this a little.

Iím 51 and my wife is 50. We have a 27 year old daughter thatís married with a 3 year old daughter of her own. They (daughter and SIL) are both educated and work full time and own their own home. They actually hate most people their age for being lazy asses.

Now, I think I can speak for my wife and myself that as long as we are alive, they have a home. Thatís not to say that its not our houseÖour rules. Period.

Right now my MIL is going through a bunch of shit with my wifes sister, husband and gaggle of kids (in my opinion they are taking advantage of her) but its her house and she decides what she will put up with and Iíve made it clear to her that I canít do shit about it until she decides shes had enoughÖif she ever does. Then and only then will I step in and they will leave. Willingly or not will be their choice but not leaving will not be an option.

They canít afford to really carry their end of the billsÖmy MIL is 71 years old and still working to support their asses. But they could afford a pos 5th wheel camper. I made the comment they might want to get it in shape because if anything happens and my MIL passes away, I donít know where they will live but I can guaran damn ty I know where they are not going to be livingÖ.and that includes their kids.
I am a shitty writer, but in reading what you wrote... we are on the same exact page. I agree with you... and your points are all valid and also the way I see it. You cannot help anyone if you are drowning... I always tell the caregivers (when they are struggling) hey, when the airplane gets in trouble and the masks come down, they always say, 'put yours on first' for a reason...

We can only do what we can do... nobody is better or whatever... but, if you can help and you do help, it doesn't make us patsies either... it is just what we decide and can do.

sorry for the shitty writing.
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Old 11-02-2018, 12:09 PM   #88 (permalink)
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Asshole? Well if you have to ask ....

Seriously, it depends on so much more than just some kids being in need. My immediate reaction was that, if it were me, no question, I would take the kids in. However, that is because I'm not putting myself in your shoes, I'm considering my own nieces. My brother has four daughters, all under 8 years old. According to their will (my brother and his wife's), I get the kids if something happens to them. I am unmarried with a girlfriend that lives 2000 miles away in another country. It would effectively end my life as I know it, but I will always choose those little girls. That's why they chose me.

On the other hand, I have a cousin who is a meth head with 2 kids. is divorced from the dad, and is currently living with a known drug dealer. If we were talking about her kids, I wouldn't give a fuck what happens to them. In fact I'm pretty sure if I did give a fuck I'd be doing something already.

I guess the answer is that you already know you want to do something for them, but you also know you aren't prepared to do it all. Do what it takes so you and your wife can sleep well at night and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.
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Old 11-02-2018, 12:27 PM   #89 (permalink)
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In a conservative state like OK; NO. FUGGIN. WAY.


If he had five years of a clean/upstanding life; maybe.
Im afraid you are probably right,he has only been out a couple years but has been clean and fairly upstanding except his driving with no licence. In his defense he was going to work when he got caught. Doesnt make it right but it could be worse.
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Old 11-02-2018, 12:57 PM   #90 (permalink)
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Hell no.

Looking out for your own first is not selfish at all.

You are being smart by saying no I can't do this at your age.

Exposing your family to 3 roudy kids that seems like they weren't brought up to this point with any disipline is a fools errand.

You are not a ......
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Old 11-02-2018, 01:32 PM   #91 (permalink)
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Who will be watching them every time he has a relapse?
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Old 11-02-2018, 01:54 PM   #92 (permalink)
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Who will be watching them every time he has a relapse?
He lives with his mom and she takes good care of them if he cant be there.
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Old 11-02-2018, 02:05 PM   #93 (permalink)
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Just turned 49, oldest moved out (23), and youngest is a Junior is HS.

No fuckin’ way. I’d rather change my name to Asshole.

It’s a hard call, and not jealous at all. It really depends if you have a relationship with them and actually like them. Out of 20 nieces and nephews and friends with little kids, I would only consider taking care of like 3 or 4 of them.

I feel I’ve done my job, and my time with the decisions I made, and had 2 boys and I’m done.
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Old 11-02-2018, 02:38 PM   #94 (permalink)
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I have been in your shoes before and it is tough but you need to do the right thing for the kids, in my opinion. My sister lost costody of her 4 kids and I tried to step in for kinship care until she could get costody back. But since she was fucked up on pills she then sabotaged my efforts. Long story short my sister died 2 years later, baby daddy of 2 stepped in but then went back to jail so those 2 went to my parents and me since they were teenagers at the time. The younger 2 ended up with their dad who is decent but still a steaming pile of shit in my opinion, but the fucker does work and provide enough for them. All 4 kids turned out well but I am not sure they would have if we had not stepped in. Oldest is a marine and very straight edged (never even smoked a cigarette), next son is 19, working and a good kid, next is 16 year old girl about to graduate one year early and speaks 4 languages and is a sign language interpreter part time, 4 th son is sophomore in high school and is a good kid. They did foster care for a few months and none of them had a good thing to say about it.

Moral of the story. The kids can become good people even if they are given shitty parents. Like said before, help the dad get custody of 2 and you should get kinship care for the youngest and hopefully moms get her shit together and you can give him back but still be a positive influence on them. It’s not the kids fault, it’s the mom and sperm donors fault.
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Old 11-02-2018, 02:53 PM   #95 (permalink)
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yes. you are an asshole.

if you have to ask the question, you already feel the guilt of being such an asshole.
man, i really hate having to agree with Paragon.


to OP, just because you are not wrong, doesnt mean you arent an asshole. and i cant even say if you are right or wrong, i can only think about what i would do in your situation.


You never know, one of those 3 young ones you foster/adopt may turn out to be the ones who care for you as you turn into the incontinent :gary: you will one day become.
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Old 11-02-2018, 03:18 PM   #96 (permalink)
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it is called maturity, family and sacrifice. All admirable traits IF you have them. If you don't, don't appear to be a hero to others while actually sucking ass as a human.
^^^^he put is best with an emphasis of Sacrifice. Sucky situation for everyone for sure especially for the kids but if you are honest with yourself and donít think you can do it then donít. Financially, at least in TX, you would be give. A small monthly stipend mostly would cover kid expenses and kids would have free tuition to state school. Again this is in TX. You would never get rich or anywhere close to it but takes away most if not all of the financial part of raising a kid from foster care.

I am not going to say what I would do because our lives are vastly different so it wouldnít matter anyways. Good luck with your decision as it isnít an easy one.

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I was waiting for someone to point this out.

Also, start planning your home addition, new cars, etc. With the state involved you will need 2 new cars that are newish and have proper room for the entire family. Oh, and they will have to meet certain crash safety levels too. At least that is what my buddy here is dealing with.
I have never heard of the new car thing. I have spent some time very recently as a licensed foster parent in TX. They may have asked my vehicle but I donít remember it and they were ok with a 2005 F150. Sounds fishy that TX would care about their vehicle as long you you arenít transporting more people than it was designed for. Or maybe their agency which they chose which is contracted by the state cares but I donít really think the state of TX give a crap what you drive.
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Old 11-02-2018, 07:01 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Just talked to baby daddy and we are going to try to help him with lawyer and anyway possible. He says he wants all 3 and to not split them up,not sure if they will even give him that option. He went to prison for selling meth and is still on probation and just recently went to jail for driving on a suspended license. Like i said he isnt a model citizen but he is trying to get his shit together. Not sure if he stands a chance in hell of pulling it off but we will see.
In a conservative state like OK; NO. FUGGIN. WAY.


If he had five years of a clean/upstanding life; maybe.
You may be surprised. Typically CPS wants the kids to go to daddy. Maybe not the 4 yea old since different daddy but the older 2 have a good chance from how I have seen CPS work in the past.
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Old 11-02-2018, 07:27 PM   #98 (permalink)
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@EMT what happened to that land deal?
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Old 11-03-2018, 02:10 AM   #99 (permalink)
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Just talked to baby daddy and we are going to try to help him with lawyer and anyway possible.
You pay the lawyer directly...don't give baby daddy a penny. You confirm with the lawyer what you are paying for.

Best of luck.
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Old 11-03-2018, 04:32 AM   #100 (permalink)
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Just talked to baby daddy and we are going to try to help him with lawyer and anyway possible. He says he wants all 3 and to not split them up,not sure if they will even give him that option. He went to prison for selling meth and is still on probation and just recently went to jail for driving on a suspended license. Like i said he isnt a model citizen but he is trying to get his shit together. Not sure if he stands a chance in hell of pulling it off but we will see.
Very admirable
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