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Old 06-12-2019, 08:14 AM   #26 (permalink)
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I’m not going to pretend to know what this lady is going through. I imagine her house is very sad.

It’s bad, but I think I get it.
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Old 06-12-2019, 08:14 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Sorry about your friend, OP. I usually don't say anything in these threads because they scare the crap out of me. But I feel so much worse for your friend's wife and the horrible feelings/situation she must be dealing with. I don't have judgment to pass on her. The things she's going through are literally my worst nightmare.


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Old 06-12-2019, 08:15 AM   #28 (permalink)
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And there it is.



x2



Agreed, it takes 2 to tango.
Al that x3
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Old 06-12-2019, 08:16 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Well that's a bummer dude. I don't believe that at all.






So as long as your loved one is sick than its okay to cheat?
I, nor imho, did dntsdad say that.
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Old 06-12-2019, 08:16 AM   #30 (permalink)
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The phrase "till death do we part" comes to mind. Anyone who's been married for a while has had an opportunity to cheat. The difference is whether you are a person of your word or not.

Her life ending as she knew it is far less than his. She should suck it up. (and kudos to you because you did)
There's also 'for better or worse'.

Unfortunately too many people these days ignore the 'for worse' part of that vow.


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If you don't know how you're going to act if the person you were willing to be married to, grow a life, have FOUR children with gets a serious disease that they didn't ask for; maybe marriage isn't your thing.
^^^^ Well said.

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Old 06-12-2019, 08:26 AM   #31 (permalink)
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That's fucked up. I also agree it takes two to tango and the friend of a friend guy isn't the only person at fault here. Wife is a whore and should feel bad for her life choices. Her husband has been sick for a year and she couldn't keep her legs closed?

People are disgusting pigs...
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:27 AM   #32 (permalink)
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Spouses that cheat because there is a chance their better half might not make it; are they the same people that just stick their parents in some care unit and not visit when age is catching up to them, yet they are still able to function normally just at a slower pace?
What if, God forbid, their child develops cancer? Do they just drop their child at the steps of St. Jude and adopt a kid of about the same age?

- - - - - - -

Which would you rather hear?

A week after diagnosis your spouse upfront saying "I'm not willing to do the thing I said I would, bye."
Or
A few years later hearing them say "So, when you go get your chemo, I go do the no pants dance with someone else."

- - - - - - -

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How weird...
I get what your saying there for sure, I think it's a tough decision that wouldn't be made by one party.
Scary as it is, getting checked sooner is a better option IMO. Certain things I would rather put up a fight back against from the opening bell rather than the final round.
I get the thought process behind no prolonging the "inevitable", but it's not always a death sentence. All four of my grandparents passed from one form of cancer or another when I was still pretty young. The last battled as much as she and medical treatment could and I (and her children) still remember her being glad she did. She was able to build many extra memories in the bonus time. In the early stages, the whole family went to Mexico to spread grandpas ashes in Mexico, they frequently went to Mexico and Hawaii to scuba dive. They never made it Alaska but always wanted to, she was able to go to us for 10 days. That was still another five years later.
Cancer is not something I wish on anyone. Too slow for enemies, too fast for people that matter. Not talking just death here, but any sign of deterioration.
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:44 AM   #33 (permalink)
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i will say this to the OP.

My wife had brain cancer. Multiple surgeries, shitty chemo, trial drugs. radiation. She was not the same person after all that. She didn't wear the Optune but almost. She didn't want to.

This was all over a two year period until she passed.

Cheating among spouses who are married to someone that has a debilitating illness is VERY common I have learned. I have read its at something like 80%. And now after talking to widows and widowers, I would guess its even higher.

While it sounds shitty, there were many times that I considered it. I was almost never out alone over two years so I did not have much of an opportunity, but they did arise.

I never did, and I am glad that I didn't looking back. But I can completely understand how someone could.

My point is, if you have never walked in those shoes, maybe mind your own fucking business.

I get the macho thing to do is call her a whore and all the cool things that guys do, but maybe realize that her life ended as she knew it a long time ago as well.
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I, nor imho, did dntsdad say that.

I guess Im not sure how to take what was said then. It strikes me as "Everyone is doing it so its not a big deal".
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:53 AM   #34 (permalink)
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Prayers for your buddy to fight this shit, get healthy, and choke that bitch out.
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Old 06-12-2019, 09:54 AM   #35 (permalink)
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Sympathies to the friend and I will also say that taking the high road relative to the lying cheater can have a certain satisfaction when Karma kicks in;

My ex has found that out in spades...
1. Her now hubby that she cheated on me with has had several affairs since they married.
2. She always got on my case with remarks about my lack of parenting skills while married. She and her current hubby parenting skill set resulted in having a daughter that was a cutter as a teen. The daughter has nothing to do with my ex. nor does our son. My son came to live with me and current wife when he was 16.
3. Ex was/is a gold digger and took me for all that they could in a classic CA divorce. They got nailed by CA FTB and the IRS for tax evasion with BIG fines and such.
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:04 AM   #36 (permalink)
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If someone is with me out of convenience, then they are really not with me. I can't imagine betraying someone I love especially at the moment they needed me the most.

I'm sure things like this isn't really more prevalent today than the past....we just hear about it more now because we can.
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:21 AM   #37 (permalink)
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I guess Im not sure how to take what was said then. It strikes me as "Everyone is doing it so its not a big deal".
That's not what I got from the post. What I read is that it's common. My take away from that reality is: There's likely a reason it happens and that reason is probably directly related to the traumatic stress they're under and we don't really have a grasp on what the situation is like for the wife.

I would absolutely hate taking the sexual bond my wife and I share away from her while simultaneously destroying our lives with the burden of my death. Add small children who need a father and I honestly just can't imagine. I have to think on some motherly biological level, her lizard brain is faced with the fact that she needs to find a strong male to father her orphaned children. Especially at their young ages. Early development is crucial to their success as adults.

We can virtue signal our own discomfort about her choices. But that does nothing for anyone. Is she a bad person? I don't know. Me thinking she is doesn't dictate that she is.

This whole story just makes me really sad.

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Old 06-12-2019, 10:26 AM   #38 (permalink)
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Not gonna pass judgement, but I know I would quietly change the will/life insurance recipient immediately then never say a word and act like everything is fine.

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Old 06-12-2019, 10:32 AM   #39 (permalink)
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This whole story just makes me really sad.
Agreed. A young man who should be loving life with his daughters, but instead has to fight this terrible cancer. So sad.
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:53 AM   #40 (permalink)
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Pics of cheating hoooooooooor?
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Old 06-12-2019, 10:59 AM   #41 (permalink)
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and I guess here lies the issue...even though we all are proud fucks, and continuously say what we would do definitively in a variety of situations that we have never been in, we don't know for sure. Then to condemn others who are in those situations because they don't act in the manner that we subscribe to on our best days is par for the course. I do it as well.

I have been through what the OP is describing. It's easy to paint a picture in your head of what living with a terminal spouse would look like on your head. Ok, they are "sick". They live with you. Life moves along.

I would venture that I had about a good a marriage as you can get. My wife and I got along fabulously. Almost never fought. Honestly, I would say never but then it appears to be revisionist hyperbole so I will say "almost", even though its closer to never. Sex life was good. No real financial worries other than not having fantasy "things". Kids are healthy, good jobs, etc.

What I am saying is there was no foundation for infidelity in our marriage before she was diagnosed.

One day, after work while meeting her at the doctor on my way home, our lives changed 100%. Just like that. Things would never be the same. Not even close. A slow fade from having a wife and a best friend to a "patient" that you are the caretaker for. While this person looks like my wife (minus the massive weight changes, the 1/2" long hair, the moon face from the steroids and the lipoma benign tumors on her back and neck also from the steroids) mentally, that person was not my wife anymore.

I still fucking loved her more than myself though.

It sounds cold to say, but that person that the cancer ate up, was not my wife anymore.

My wife always knew our dogs names.....and that they were in fact dogs.
My wife always knew that when the water got to the top of the sink, you turn it off and not let it keep running and flood the ktchen.
My wife knew that when the kitchen was flooded, there are better ways to clean up the water than a broom and a dustpan.
My wife knew that.......well a lot of things that she frequently did were wrong and dangerous.

I could go on and on and on and on. List out the heartbreaking things that I saw, did. I won't though.

Over two years, you find yourself isolated. Everyone else around you, people that you consider your friends.....lifelong friends, family, etc. They move on. They have lives in which they do things, go places.....live. You get to see it on Facebook.....Every. Day.

You don't. You are tied at home because nausea is a real thing and a fucking bitch. Because fatigue is something in which I thought I knew about until cancer came knocking. Then I learned what fatigue and sickness really were. I learned a whole new vocabulary of body parts, drugs, side-effects, medical terms and procedures, etc.

Eventually, you are isolated. You may have work hours to be out and with people. but at home, its you and your spouse. When your spouse is for the most part bed-ridden 23 hours a day........its you.

Everyone's situation is different. They may have kids at home, more friends and family that still are involved. Whatever.

That will never displace the loss of the person that is your spouse and hopefully, your best friend. Even if that person lays in bed with you every night. They are not that person anymore.

Affection, love, joy, etc. are basic human needs. Some can go without them more than others. Some can't. Take away the ability of the person that you want to, and should, get those from, and people make choices.

No, I am not saying it OK. Not saying its OK just because a lot of people do it in this situation. It's wrong. It's a betrayal. Its heartbreaking.

Like many things that people do though, even though I chose not to do them, I can understand how people would is all that I am saying.

I would have been married for 25 years on May 19. I never cheated on my wife......never.

Even when I had gone a 1.5 years without even a meaningful kiss, or any real affection like that. Like I said above, chances were there. I almost took them. I am human and a man who gets horny. My wife would have never known, and in fact, my wife repeatedly gave me the go-ahead many times. She wanted me to be happy, and she knew(as did I) she had zero desire for sex nor did she even have the energy for it. Again, I never did.

To wrap up, I am not saying that its ok what the OP friend's wife did. Again, such a betrayal under perfect conditions. Add the factor of cancer, and it feels worse. A man so vulnerable and at the low of his confidence and self-worth.

What I am saying, is that with the percentages of people who seek comfort from others that are out there (depending on who you believe I guess) is that all those people are not horrible monsters of people. Life, and its terrible situations that it can throw at you, cause good people to do shitty things. Things that feel right in the moment. Or maybe they don't but you do them anyway because they are what you need.

Again, I didn't take that path and I am glad that I didn't. I can hold my head high, if only for myself.

Grief does strange things to a person. Grief has caused many a people to kill (themselves or others), stalk, rant, fight, lose massive amounts of weight, become depressed, and on and on.

It's not completely outside the realm to think that it can cause someone to seek their basic emotional and sexual needs in comparison. Especially, when that assumingly makes that person happy in the moment.


Again, I don't condone it any more than I would condone this man beating the hell out of his wife with a bat for her actions.

All that I am saying is that I understand both actions, even though both are deplorable.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:04 AM   #42 (permalink)
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Pics of cheating hoooooooooor's turd cutter?
FTFY




OP, Shitty situation all round really
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:04 AM   #43 (permalink)
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and I guess here lies the issue...even though we all are proud fucks, and continuously say what we would do definitively in a variety of situations that we have never been in, we don't know for sure. Then to condemn others who are in those situations because they don't act in the manner that we subscribe to on our best days is par for the course. I do it as well.

I have been through what the OP is describing. It's easy to paint a picture in your head of what living with a terminal spouse would look like on your head. Ok, they are "sick". They live with you. Life moves along.

I would venture that I had about a good a marriage as you can get. My wife and I got along fabulously. Almost never fought. Honestly, I would say never but then it appears to be revisionist hyperbole so I will say "almost", even though its closer to never. Sex life was good. No real financial worries other than not having fantasy "things". Kids are healthy, good jobs, etc.

What I am saying is there was no foundation for infidelity in our marriage before she was diagnosed.

One day, after work while meeting her at the doctor on my way home, our lives changed 100%. Just like that. Things would never be the same. Not even close. A slow fade from having a wife and a best friend to a "patient" that you are the caretaker for. While this person looks like my wife (minus the massive weight changes, the 1/2" long hair, the moon face from the steroids and the lipoma benign tumors on her back and neck also from the steroids) mentally, that person was not my wife anymore.

I still fucking loved her more than myself though.

It sounds cold to say, but that person that the cancer ate up, was not my wife anymore.

My wife always knew our dogs names.....and that they were in fact dogs.
My wife always knew that when the water got to the top of the sink, you turn it off and not let it keep running and flood the ktchen.
My wife knew that when the kitchen was flooded, there are better ways to clean up the water than a broom and a dustpan.
My wife knew that.......well a lot of things that she frequently did were wrong and dangerous.

I could go on and on and on and on. List out the heartbreaking things that I saw, did. I won't though.

Over two years, you find yourself isolated. Everyone else around you, people that you consider your friends.....lifelong friends, family, etc. They move on. They have lives in which they do things, go places.....live. You get to see it on Facebook.....Every. Day.

You don't. You are tied at home because nausea is a real thing and a fucking bitch. Because fatigue is something in which I thought I knew about until cancer came knocking. Then I learned what fatigue and sickness really were. I learned a whole new vocabulary of body parts, drugs, side-effects, medical terms and procedures, etc.

Eventually, you are isolated. You may have work hours to be out and with people. but at home, its you and your spouse. When your spouse is for the most part bed-ridden 23 hours a day........its you.

Everyone's situation is different. They may have kids at home, more friends and family that still are involved. Whatever.

That will never displace the loss of the person that is your spouse and hopefully, your best friend. Even if that person lays in bed with you every night. They are not that person anymore.

Affection, love, joy, etc. are basic human needs. Some can go without them more than others. Some can't. Take away the ability of the person that you want to, and should, get those from, and people make choices.

No, I am not saying it OK. Not saying its OK just because a lot of people do it in this situation. It's wrong. It's a betrayal. Its heartbreaking.

Like many things that people do though, even though I chose not to do them, I can understand how people would is all that I am saying.

I would have been married for 25 years on May 19. I never cheated on my wife......never.

Even when I had gone a 1.5 years without even a meaningful kiss, or any real affection like that. Like I said above, chances were there. I almost took them. I am human and a man who gets horny. My wife would have never known, and in fact, my wife repeatedly gave me the go-ahead many times. She wanted me to be happy, and she knew(as did I) she had zero desire for sex nor did she even have the energy for it. Again, I never did.

To wrap up, I am not saying that its ok what the OP friend's wife did. Again, such a betrayal under perfect conditions. Add the factor of cancer, and it feels worse. A man so vulnerable and at the low of his confidence and self-worth.

What I am saying, is that with the percentages of people who seek comfort from others that are out there (depending on who you believe I guess) is that all those people are not horrible monsters of people. Life, and its terrible situations that it can throw at you, cause good people to do shitty things. Things that feel right in the moment. Or maybe they don't but you do them anyway because they are what you need.

Again, I didn't take that path and I am glad that I didn't. I can hold my head high, if only for myself.

Grief does strange things to a person. Grief has caused many a people to kill (themselves or others), stalk, rant, fight, lose massive amounts of weight, become depressed, and on and on.

It's not completely outside the realm to think that it can cause someone to seek their basic emotional and sexual needs in comparison. Especially, when that assumingly makes that person happy in the moment.


Again, I don't condone it any more than I would condone this man beating the hell out of his wife with a bat for her actions.

All that I am saying is that I understand both actions, even though both are deplorable.

I hope Karma is a real thing because you earned a solid dose of the good stuff here. Kudos to you.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:12 AM   #44 (permalink)
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Ugh. Your post made me my allergies flair up. Fuck I hate this topic.

Your points were not missed by me the first go around. But reading the specifics made it that much more realistic. Fuck cancer.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:15 AM   #45 (permalink)
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My health is very bad, it won’t get any better ever. I feel bad for my wife of 28 years and I told her I’d understand if she wanted someone else or if she had to cheat. She reminded me of our vows and she says she’s even happier having me at home more often. I still feel bad and although this woman should’ve tried to subdue her passions, we don’t know what she’s going through. Just a sad situation all the way around.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:15 AM   #46 (permalink)
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- - - - - - -

Which would you rather hear?

A week after diagnosis your spouse upfront saying "I'm not willing to do the thing I said I would, bye."
Or
A few years later hearing them say "So, when you go get your chemo, I go do the no pants dance with someone else."

- - - - - - -
A.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 45acp View Post
Not gonna pass judgement, but I know I would quietly change the will/life insurance recipient immediately then never say a word and act like everything is fine.

Well said.

Quote:
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I still fucking loved her more than myself though.


and THAT, right there, makes you a true gentleman.

Respect.

.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:21 AM   #47 (permalink)
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and I guess here lies the issue...even though we all are proud fucks, and continuously say what we would do definitively in a variety of situations that we have never been in, we don't know for sure.
gulp
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:25 AM   #48 (permalink)
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and I guess here lies the issue...even though we all are proud fucks, and continuously say what we would do definitively in a variety of situations that we have never been in, we don't know for sure.
ie, judge others on their action and judge ourselves on our intentions.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:39 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by dntsdad View Post
and I guess here lies the issue...even though we all are proud fucks, and continuously say what we would do definitively in a variety of situations that we have never been in, we don't know for sure. Then to condemn others who are in those situations because they don't act in the manner that we subscribe to on our best days is par for the course. I do it as well.

I have been through what the OP is describing. It's easy to paint a picture in your head of what living with a terminal spouse would look like on your head. Ok, they are "sick". They live with you. Life moves along.

I would venture that I had about a good a marriage as you can get. My wife and I got along fabulously. Almost never fought. Honestly, I would say never but then it appears to be revisionist hyperbole so I will say "almost", even though its closer to never. Sex life was good. No real financial worries other than not having fantasy "things". Kids are healthy, good jobs, etc.

What I am saying is there was no foundation for infidelity in our marriage before she was diagnosed.

One day, after work while meeting her at the doctor on my way home, our lives changed 100%. Just like that. Things would never be the same. Not even close. A slow fade from having a wife and a best friend to a "patient" that you are the caretaker for. While this person looks like my wife (minus the massive weight changes, the 1/2" long hair, the moon face from the steroids and the lipoma benign tumors on her back and neck also from the steroids) mentally, that person was not my wife anymore.

I still fucking loved her more than myself though.

It sounds cold to say, but that person that the cancer ate up, was not my wife anymore.

My wife always knew our dogs names.....and that they were in fact dogs.
My wife always knew that when the water got to the top of the sink, you turn it off and not let it keep running and flood the ktchen.
My wife knew that when the kitchen was flooded, there are better ways to clean up the water than a broom and a dustpan.
My wife knew that.......well a lot of things that she frequently did were wrong and dangerous.

I could go on and on and on and on. List out the heartbreaking things that I saw, did. I won't though.

Over two years, you find yourself isolated. Everyone else around you, people that you consider your friends.....lifelong friends, family, etc. They move on. They have lives in which they do things, go places.....live. You get to see it on Facebook.....Every. Day.

You don't. You are tied at home because nausea is a real thing and a fucking bitch. Because fatigue is something in which I thought I knew about until cancer came knocking. Then I learned what fatigue and sickness really were. I learned a whole new vocabulary of body parts, drugs, side-effects, medical terms and procedures, etc.

Eventually, you are isolated. You may have work hours to be out and with people. but at home, its you and your spouse. When your spouse is for the most part bed-ridden 23 hours a day........its you.

Everyone's situation is different. They may have kids at home, more friends and family that still are involved. Whatever.

That will never displace the loss of the person that is your spouse and hopefully, your best friend. Even if that person lays in bed with you every night. They are not that person anymore.

Affection, love, joy, etc. are basic human needs. Some can go without them more than others. Some can't. Take away the ability of the person that you want to, and should, get those from, and people make choices.

No, I am not saying it OK. Not saying its OK just because a lot of people do it in this situation. It's wrong. It's a betrayal. Its heartbreaking.

Like many things that people do though, even though I chose not to do them, I can understand how people would is all that I am saying.

I would have been married for 25 years on May 19. I never cheated on my wife......never.

Even when I had gone a 1.5 years without even a meaningful kiss, or any real affection like that. Like I said above, chances were there. I almost took them. I am human and a man who gets horny. My wife would have never known, and in fact, my wife repeatedly gave me the go-ahead many times. She wanted me to be happy, and she knew(as did I) she had zero desire for sex nor did she even have the energy for it. Again, I never did.

To wrap up, I am not saying that its ok what the OP friend's wife did. Again, such a betrayal under perfect conditions. Add the factor of cancer, and it feels worse. A man so vulnerable and at the low of his confidence and self-worth.

What I am saying, is that with the percentages of people who seek comfort from others that are out there (depending on who you believe I guess) is that all those people are not horrible monsters of people. Life, and its terrible situations that it can throw at you, cause good people to do shitty things. Things that feel right in the moment. Or maybe they don't but you do them anyway because they are what you need.

Again, I didn't take that path and I am glad that I didn't. I can hold my head high, if only for myself.

Grief does strange things to a person. Grief has caused many a people to kill (themselves or others), stalk, rant, fight, lose massive amounts of weight, become depressed, and on and on.

It's not completely outside the realm to think that it can cause someone to seek their basic emotional and sexual needs in comparison. Especially, when that assumingly makes that person happy in the moment.


Again, I don't condone it any more than I would condone this man beating the hell out of his wife with a bat for her actions.

All that I am saying is that I understand both actions, even though both are deplorable.

Thanks for giving me some faith that some people still believe in what marriage is about.
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Old 06-12-2019, 11:52 AM   #50 (permalink)
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Don't get married if you cant be faithful.



dntsdad- Thank you for putting that out there. Tough to read but glad I did.
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